Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Head Wigs Part 1

Music: Origin of Love-Hedwig and the Angry Inch
Mood: Ponderous

Whenever my fight or flight is triggered (which it is always fight) the inevitable crash when things calm down but are not resolved is always the same feeling as I have now.  It is fairly indescribable but it leaves me re-hashing almost every event of my life that I can remember in an attempt to see where I might have been wrong and pondering the choices and consequences that led me there.

I get stuck in these moments.  Simultaneously my greatest strength and my greatest weakness is that I am a thinker.  Hashing things out helps me process them and deal with them, but it also leads me down quite a lot of harmful rabbit holes.  Like Alice, I find myself in the Wonderland of my brain with nary an escape route that will not result in some harm or another.  I cannot achieve true repentance for my wrongs because I seem to be physically, mentally, and emotionally unable to forgive myself.  Without that self-forgiveness one can never let go.  Which is why I get stuck.

One might think that since I can articulate the problem why can't I solve it?  This is a direct result of the curse of the thinker.  Everything I have seen and heard and experienced in my life has contributed to who I am today.  Not as if I am this wonderful person, but it could definitely be worse.  I am not blind and deaf to the blessings I have experienced in my life and the grace by which they have come.  I deserve no goodness yet I am almost 32 years old, there is a roof over my head, there is food in my belly, Jack is whole and healthy, and my family and friends can pretty much still stand the sight of me.  These are the very mark of miracles and wonders for me.  I have it better than a great deal of people, so why can't I be happy?

My life has been hard on me, and after this long day's journey I just want to take a rest but I cannot.  My brain is always going firing away from one subject to another inspiring within me such a barrage of feelings that I can hardly keep up.  Until I came to better understand myself it was an unending nightmare.

I will save more for another time.


Saturday, May 26, 2012

Professor Hubert Farnsworth

Music: End of the line-Traveling Wilburys
Mood: Wonderful

Today is just a really fantastic day.  It's a bit muggy outside, but I am inside anyway.  I have been catching up with old friends, I weighed myself and have lost some weight already, and listening to great and long-forgotten music.  An orange-letter day (not quite red-letter).

I feel so good that I could probably burst.  I will try not to because it will most likely make a mess of my computer.  Even Jack is outwardly happy today, he has been frisking around like a kitten but without the kitten naughtiness.  I don't want to write a ton and ruin the mood by jinxing it, but rest assured dear readers I am glad I have this outlet, and this voice to offer you.

Oh Quacky Day

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Is your refrigerator running?

Music: Oh Very Young-Cat Stevens
Mood: Light-hearted enough

Hello again.  I have been keeping with my healthy eating.  Sometimes it is hard, but I am determined to see it through to the best of my ability.  I have goals in mind, and generally when I set a goal it is hard to break from it.  I'm a stubborn ass that way.

I have to check myself frequently though.  There are so many people having children right now that it is spinning my head around.  I have baby fever on the brain.  I still have a ton of weight to lose before it is even a feasible undertaking.  Discussing it is helpful to me, but getting too involved in the minutia of it is sometimes harmful.  I want to have a child within the next 5 years and I think that is a realistic goal.  For health reasons though I probably will not pursue having my own child anymore after I am 40.  That will sort of be my point to start looking into adoption.

I am contemplating having a professional artist make my logo for me.  If it is affordable, or if it can be bartered in some fashion then I will debut it here first.  Otherwise I will continue with what I have always done for a logo--nothing.

I am going to leave you all for today, I realize this was a short post, but discretion, and the lack of a life keep me from having very much to say these days.  I will be back soon though.  If anyone has a subject they would like me to talk about, please feel free to leave it in the comments and I will oblige as much as I can.


Monday, May 21, 2012

Must be take a worm for a walk week

Music: Wow Wow Wubbzy Wubbzy Wubbzy WOW WOW
Mood: Forgetful

Sorry, I forgot to write something today.  So, instead, please enjoy this list of things I have eaten today.

Breakfast-1 cup Special K, 1% Milk, large orange
Breakfast Snack-Apple Cinnamon NutriGrain Bar
Lunch-Tuna fish w light mayo on toasted whole wheat bread with reduced fat Colby Jack cheese, 7 baby carrot sticks, 12 oz Diet Orange Stop and Shop Soda
Dinner-Tuna fish w light mayo in a salad w cherry tomatoes, blackberries, fresh spinach, crumbled goat cheese, reduced fat Colby Jack cheese, reduced fat Raspberry Vinaigrette Dressing, 12 oz Diet Orange Stop and Shop Soda, handful of french fries :(

I was bad at the end there. 


Friday, May 18, 2012

Buon compleanno mio gatto!

Music: The Brak Show DVD Song-The Brak Show
Mood: Wunnerful

Today is seriously a day I worried would never happen.  Today, my baby cat boy, my furry BFF,  is 10 years old!  I am ecstatic he is still here and is still in great health (his weight is definitely progressing in the right direction). 

I have not been keeping up with this blog at all in the past week plus and I am sorry, but the days have literally been flying by where I tell myself I will get to it and then it never seems to happen.  I have embarked on a healthy eating plan and some exercise.  Believe it or not, it actually takes up a lot of my time to think up what to eat, and in what portions.  Yesterday, while I was eating, all of a sudden I just felt incredibly depressed.  As if the world had crashed down upon me.  I guess I never thought about how eating healthy would impact me--it makes my stomach hurt, and now it depresses me too!  I will continue to plug away though.  I ordered a neat scale that also measures hydration, and body fat.  Once I get that I will officially start keeping track of things.  I don't even know how much I weigh; it has been an age since I set foot on a scale.

Also, to the detriment of my time and productivity, I have rediscovered a dormant love for Words with Friends.  For some reason the idea of a tandem crossword puzzle of sorts appeals to me.  I will have to shut it down soon though if it continues to hog my time.

Ben's story is progressing, but not exactly how I want it to.  I am pleased with the story but I think I am starting to get wrapped up in minutia.  It seems like almost every, or every other paragraph should be the end of a chapter.  I have a vague idea where I want the story to go but in the meantime I am sort of chasing my tail a bit.  I wonder if it is a form of writer's block.  I sincerely hope not because I am nowhere near done with what needs to happen to wrap things up.

My IS courses are also not going as well as I had hoped.  I guess I can only do one at a time, which is fine, but the format is terrible.  It is sort of like (so far) something I could have just found on the internet.  I haven't gotten to anything yet that I would classify as learning.  Maybe I am just a huge snobby prick though, haha.

I am in the process of developing a reading list for myself though.  A couple of months ago I severely cut down on my television watching, and instead of staring into space it would be wonderful if I could be productive through reading a lot of the things I have been putting off.  The problem is that it is very hard to read in this house.  The amount of constant noise can be compared to an audio assault.  I have the house to myself for a while today, so I should try and get into something and get hooked.

Well, I know this has been a largely unsatisfying post, but I really didn't have too much to say.  I wanted to give a shout to my boy on his b-day so that is why I chose today to post.  I will be back on Monday with another post, I promise.

Quack-y Birthday dear Jackieeeeeeeee Quack-y Birthday to youuuuuuuuuu. (and many more!)

Oh, P.S. I forgot to mention that the reason the Brak Show DVD Menu song is my "song of the day" is because it is Jack's favorite song.  It goes "Welcome everybody to the Brak Show DVD---doodedoodoo."  He loved it when I replaced Brak with Jack, and I have sang it to him ever since.

Friday, May 11, 2012

Words for Breakfast

Music: Behind Blue Eyes-The Who
Mood: Kindled

Goodly morning.  Jack woke me up today in the usual way by meowing his head off because he wanted to eat, and he wanted it now!  Today is the kind of day where I cannot be mad about it though.  In the past few days I have been filled by intellectual discourse, and a resolve to light a fire under my ass.  It feels good to be doing something again and look forward to seeing where this all takes me.

I signed into my Facebook app this morning and found that my XDH had posted multiple songs one of which was Behind Blue Eyes (not the version by The Who though).  This song got me through a lot of hard times when I was navigating Salt Lake City by myself.  It was the first time in my life I had ever lived alone and I was sort of overwhelmed and rejuvenated by the sink or swim aspect of it all.  Sometimes I sank, and other times I swam.  The memories are glorious, even if they are rose-colored.

Nephew R drew an amazing picture of Jack.  I would love to share it here, but I actually think I might keep it to myself for a while and appreciate the surprisingly fine detail that can be put to page by a 6 year old with a marker and a pen.  I really do admire his talent.  I tried my hand at drawing several times.  While I was not really good at it at all it helped me process through a lot.  I was able to draw some of the pain I had carried with me for as long as I could remember--pain I could not have articulated any other way.  I've found that drawing (like other endeavors) helps me for the time I need it to and then I can move on from it to something else.  I am thankful for the drive, and the courage to try something new; and the wisdom to know when it is time.

I am plugging away at my story about Ben.  I have added a new character that I am excited about.  I don't push myself, or else I know I won't ever get it done.  I simply open my word document, type either a paragraph or two a day and then leave it at that.  The constant fresh perspective may be helping or harming, ultimately time will tell.  As with all of my writing I will go back at the end and edit so that will be the ultimate test.  I can't wait to see what happens to Ben.

I can't wait to see what happens to me.


Wednesday, May 9, 2012

That kind of day, folks...

Music: American Woman-The Guess Who
Mood: The Survey Kind

I filled out this same survey close on to 2.5 years ago.  My updated answers are in brackets.

What is on your bed right now? Linens....n' things [Hilarious!]
When was the last time you threw up? 3 days ago [I don't remember]
What's your favorite word or phrase? "Now I'm getting a really big clue" [for some reason, I love to say di-A-per]
Name 3 people who made you smile today? SD, JD, and Jack [Jack, I just got out of bed so haven't seen anyone else yet]
What were you doing at 8 am this morning? Sleeping [it's only 5:57]
What were you doing 30 minutes ago? Watching "It's Garry Shandling Show" [Feeding Jack]
What is your favorite holiday? Guy Fawkes Day [Same]
Have you ever been to another country? LV is another country [Same]
What is the last thing you said aloud? "Where you going Jackie?" [You wanna eat?]
What is the best ice cream flavor? Cookies and Cream [Same, but I still can't eat it]
What was the last thing you had to drink? Soda [Pink Lemonade]
What are you wearing right now? Pajamas [Ha, same]
What was the last thing you ate? Popcorn [Granola Bar]
Have you bought any new clothing items this week? No [Same]
When was the last time you ran? September 2008 [I don't even recall this, but I guess that is when]
What's the last sporting event you watched? Probably a basketball game w/Dan [I watched a Mets game last year sometime]
If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go? Ireland [Same]
Who is the last person you sent a comment/message on myspace? SD [Must still be since I don't have MySpace anymore and haven't for a while]
Ever go camping? Yes [Same]
Do you have a tan? No [Same]
Have you ever lost anything down a toilet? Not anything I wanted back [Same]
What is your guilty pleasure? right now it is Youtube [I feel guilty about any pleasure since I feel I don't deserve it]
Do you use smiley faces on the computer alot? No [Same]
Do you drink your soda from a straw? If I have one yes [Same]
What did your last text message say? N/A [Fight the power.]
Are you someone's best friend? Not sure [Still not sure]
What are you doing tomorrow? Same as today...nothing [Making 72 hr kit]
Where is your mom right now? Home
Look to your left, what do you see? Muddy paw prints on the couch [My mustard-colored wall]
What color is your watch? N/A [Black]
What do you think of when you think of Australia? A Dingo [Same]
Ever ridden on a roller coaster? Yes [Same]
What is your birthstone? Ruby [Same]
Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive thru? Both [I don't really go in anymore unless I need to use the facilities.]
Do you have any friends on myspace that you actually hate? No [LOL, MySpace]
Do you have a dog? No [My parents have one and I live here, so sorta, kinda, maybe]
Last person you talked to on the phone? My mother [Dan]
Any plans today? No [Yes, gotta pick up some items from a few different places]
Are you happy? No [Same]
Where are you right now? Living Room [My room]
Biggest annoyance in your life right now? I feel like I am standing still [Wow, same!]
Last song listened to? Altered version of Single Ladies [King of the Hill theme song]
Last movie you saw? The Goods: Live Hard Sell Hard [Rise of the Planet of the Apes]
Are you allergic to anything? certain bug bites [I am no longer around said bugs, but I assume their bites would still induce a reaction]
Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time? My black ones [My black and gray Skechers]
Are you jealous of anyone? Almost everyone [Not genuinely, no.  Sometimes on the surface I feel like I am, but when I actually reflect on it I am not]
Are you married? No [Same]
Is anyone jealous of you? No [God, I hope not]
Do any of your friends have children? Yes [Same]
Do you eat healthy? No [Same]
What do you usually do during the day? various things [Same]
Do you hate anyone right now? No [Same]
Do you use the word 'hello' daily? No [Same]
How many kids do you want when you're older? NA [1 or 2]
How old will you be turning on your next birthday? 30 [32]
Have you ever been to Six Flags? Yes [Same]
How did u get one of your scars? I had my appendix out in 1995 [Same]

The Quack-vey Says.....

Saturday, May 5, 2012

On the head of a pin

Music: Don't Cry Out Loud-Various
Mood: Apprehensive

I need a big old heaping helping of grace today.  From myself, from the universe, from God, from everyone.  An unwelcome event has descended upon me with all the subtlety of a ton of bricks. I am no great shakes at "dealing" so here I am fretting away, projecting, negatively reflecting, all of the things I try to avoid.

I keep running over all of the Christian Charity I have in my back pocket, and nothing feels right.  Nothing feels like it will work today.  I need something else.  Something more than "turn the other cheek" or "love thine enemy".  I need a Christlike intervention of (wait for it...) biblical proportions.  This is sink or swim, and these are the times when one finds out what they are truly made of I suppose. 

I will continue to try, and continue to run over examples of good works, and patient faith in order to get through.  This isn't like eating crow--I can admit my own wrongs readily enough--it is like eating something else.  A foul, disease-ridden stench-infested maggot pie of some sort with a roach on top for good measure.  As you can guess, I am having a hard time swallowing because all I want to do is spit it out.

I don't like to be cryptic, but I cannot be more explicit.  I can imagine all I want that this blog is private, but it is not, and discretion is the greater part of a lot of things not just valor.  Some of you may already know what I am talking about.  For those who may not you can ask me privately and I will answer. 

In desperation, I want to pull a Juliet and feign death.  I want to take to my hidey hole and emerge when it is all over.  It is or my own comfort that I feel this way, but also for my own anger.  My anger bubbles inside of me, and just under the surface at the best of times.  In the face of such provocation I don't know if I can remain calm. 

I will try.  I will attempt to be calm enough to pray for guidance.  I will try to not be a coward.


Wednesday, May 2, 2012

20 Questions of Homework (or, For Deb)

Music: Angel Won't You Call Me-The Decemberists
Mood: Levelly

As part of my Kicking Corners homework due 5/22 Mrs. S has asked us to answer as many of these questions as we can.  She also asked about some name thing but I didn't understand it so I am skipping straight to the questions.  Maybe I can scrape a B at least :)  Here goes...

1. What are you listening to right now? The sound of silence.
2. Do you like your handwriting? Sometimes yes and sometimes no. It depends.
3. If you were another person, would you be friends with you?  Probably not.  I am decently funny, but my cycles of required alone time tend to push people away I think.
4. What’s your favorite breakfast? When I am being good it is Honey Bunches of Oats, when I am being naughty it is an Egg and Cheese McGriddle.
5. The first thing you notice about people is… Generally I first notice how people walk.  Because of my own weird walking hang-ups I like to see how other people do it.
6. In what way are you irrational?  Oh man.  In most ways.  I can't be any more succinct than that.
7. If you needed a kidney, who would be the first person willing to donate one to you?  I wouldn't allow it.  As far as who would volunteer first I really don't know.  I imagine a member of my family who knew about it first. Then again, maybe not.
8. Where’s the farthest you’ve been from home?  Las Vegas, NV
9. Scary movies or happy endings?  It depends on my mood.  I enjoy both.
10. What makes you feel young?  Wearing a hood over my head.
11. Do you believe everything happens for a reason? Yes--even if that reason is that someone is an asshole.  Choices lead to consequences, always.
12. What’s something you aren’t? Happy.
13. If you had next Monday off from all responsibilities and expectations, what would you do?  I don't really have responsibilities or expectations so it would be a typical Monday.  I would simply wait for it to be over.
14. Do you always smile for pictures?  No.  I do sometimes though. Unless I am laughing it seems forced.
15. What would you be willing to literally fight for?  A lot.  Jack being the most notable.  Woe unto any person, place, or thing that would attempt to harm him.
16. What is your all-time favorite joke?  I don't have one.
17. Wonderland or Oz? Both are pretty scary.  Maybe Wonderland though.
18. What’s the story of your first kiss?  I would rather tell the story of my first attempted kiss.  I was barely 14 and I was at a backyard party.  There was a boy there who I thought was cute, and he apparently thought I was as well.  He was pretty drunk though.  We had gone for a walk and he just came at me lips curled and all.  My whole life flashed before my eyes.  I pushed him and he fell down and I ran away.  I am not entirely sure why I pushed him away, but I think I have always simply reasoned that I didn't want my first kiss to be with someone who was drunk.  In retrospect taking into account the story of my actual first kiss I should have let my first kiss happen at 14.
19. How do you explain déjà vu?  I don't.  I don't pretend to be able to explain or even understand everything the universe has to offer.  I am content to be able to wrap my brain around whatever I can.
20. What’s the coldest you’ve ever been?  What a great question!  I know I have been incredibly cold before but I am not sure I can put my finger on when or where it was or if it was colder than any other time.  I do remember driving to Boise in a near blizzard one time and then trying to get to sleep in the car.  It was so incredibly cold.  However, I have lived in Wisconsin, so I am sure I was ever colder than that.

Thanks for reading.  I will return to my regularly scheduled blogging in about 2 days time.