On Pants

Music: Because I Have Been Given Much-LDS Hymnal
Mood: Sober Contemplation

Hello, only me again. 

I was inspired to come back and write today about pants.  Yes, pants; those wonderfully warm and cozy garments that fill the closets and cubbie-holes of most American households.  If one would have told me 2 weeks ago that I would have spent the better part of the last week and a half defending my right to wear pants I would have told them they were crazy--but I would have been wrong.

Wear Pants to Church Day (an event on 12/16/12 organized by the Mormon Feminist group All Enlisted) has meant many things to many people.  To a raving segment of orthodoxy represented on Facebook it surely meant that not only was "The End" near, but it prompted all sorts of reactions ranging from "I don't care, but..." to actual death threats.  Yes, you read that correctly, death threats.

Doctrinally, women are of course not prevented from wearing pants to Church because honestly it would just be silly.  However, in Mormonism sometimes culture can so invade doctrine that to the untrained or unconcerned mind the two are literally inseparable (cue raving Facebook masses).  This event was to be a sort of launch pad for further action with the ultimate goal being gender equality within The Church.  It was a brilliant idea.  It was a visible way to both raise awareness, and to honor our baptismal covenants to mourn with those that mourn and comfort those who stand in need of comfort.

But mourning over pants, are you for real?  Yes.  Previously I had of course heard many stories of people being shunned or ostracized because they did not fit a particular mold within The Church (I have even experienced it myself, but not due to clothing) but this past week I have heard what amount to horror stories of unrighteous dominion, ecclesiastical abuse, and un-Christlike attitudes aplenty.  These stories ranged from women being talked about behind their backs or even in front of their faces for daring to wear pants all the way up to those who were actually turned away from meetinghouses for something as sinful as bifurcated attire (for shame!).

I knew I needed to be involved from the beginning, but these stories, and the reaction from those who would willingly cast these people off so they can remain in their comfortable bubbles was something that I just could not sit with.  I knew I was in.  There was an event page set up on Facebook that was ultimately taken down that at one point had over 2,000 people who had indicated they would wear pants and/or purple attire (purple being a color historically associated with the suffrage movement) on 12/16.  The news media including print, television, and the internet had picked up on the story in a few major cities including internationally.  There was much ado about us women and our pants.

Despite many links, explanations, and borderline manifestos it never seemed to get through to the detractors that it was never about the pants.  The pants were always a symbol.  The pants were a way for us to say that we were here, and that we care.  A way for those sisters who have been hurt when they should have been loved to know that there was someone who wanted them there, and someone who understood their pain.  That under our watch no women would ever be turned away or ostracized for wearing pants again.  We had put a high-heeled foot down and were making a stand. 

Pants day came and went.  It was relatively uneventful for me personally (I was the only woman in my ward wearing pants, although there were several people in purple but it could have been a coincidence).  As the day rolled on though, and pictures poured in of happy smile after happy smile in pants and purple graced the fMh Facebook group it started to really stir something within me.  Some of these people (including myself) who had been hurt by their brothers and sisters were back.  They had gone back to show support for others.  While the pictures rolled in so did the stories.  Some were bad, but mostly they were good.  A new friend in the ward, a secret feminist on your side, finding out family or a loved one were going to wear pants/purple to show their support for the disenfranchised as well.  It was uplifting, and I truly believe it is what our Heavenly Parents would have us do.

"By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another."-John 13:5

I will be proud one day to tell young women or even my own child that I was there.  That a time presented itself for me to stand up for what I believe in, in defense of others and I took it, and now things are different.  All the horrible and exasperating comments of the last week can't touch that knowledge--nothing ever will.

Quackin' in my pants.

In the valley of the blind...

Music: None
Mood: None

Hmm it seems I was wrong, I guess I wasn't going to burst into daily writing when I got back.  In fact, I am putting forth a huge effort to even have myself write today.  My life is relatively dull, but it is mine.  I live it day to day trying my best to be my best.  Sometimes I slip and fall, sometimes I crash and burn, and sometimes I wake up a millimeter ahead of where I was the day before.

All of this is not necessarily something that lends itself to being read by outsiders who have no real knowledge about my internal workings.  The minute by minute struggles that I keep to myself, and the triumphs and setbacks that can only be understood by the person who experienced them.

I don't like the notion of "giving up" my blog, but I would also hate for people to check it expecting something and I have gone a long time without an update.  I am on a journey right now.  A journey which (at least by my incapable hands) cannot be documented.  At first I felt there was wisdom in a blog, but now I feel that it does more harm than good for me to cement in writing what are sometimes fleeting feelings and emotions.  You will have to trust me that it has come back to bite me on the ass on occasion.

I may update here and there sporadically, but I cannot make any promises.  Possibly the best bet if you are interested is to subscribe to my blog and then receive an e-mail when I update. 

That's all for now, and I am sorry that I was not able to fulfill the hopes I had for this blog on my return.  Perhaps a blog is just not the format for me after all.  I have thick walls surrounding me for a reason.

Release The Quackin'

Addio trentuno!

Music: Diane-Guster
Mood: Ssssssss

Hello again all.  Today, as many of you know is the last day in my entire life that I will be 31.  I cannot say that I will miss it, and honestly I have much higher hopes for 32.  Even though this past year has been peppered with many instances of my making changes for personal improvement on a whole I still found 31 to be disappointing.  32, you better shine for me.

I am going away on vacation tomorrow.  I am not sure how long I will be gone for, but I am crossing my fingers for 3 weeks.  While I am gone I will not be updating, it's true, however I plan on updating voraciously when I get back.  Since I want this blog to sort-of function as a journal I need to improve my journaling and really try and write everyday if I can.

I really love my birthday (hate the weather though) so it is a good opportunity to do some real nitty gritty soul searching evaluations.  Where am I when I turn 32 in relation to where I was last year?  Two years ago?  Five years ago?  Ten?  It is okay to have pitfalls every once in a while, but if I am stagnant, if I am not progressing as a person than I am doing nothing.  While certain aspects of my life and personality cannot be compared these many years later I can at least gauge it by how I feel about myself.

For instance, ten years ago I was still within the bonds of marriage (and living together).  I loved my ex-husband very much, and I still do, but I was stagnant.  I was doing nothing to improve my own life, or our lives as a married couple.  I was simply floating wherever the currents of anger, frustration, disappointment, etc... took me.  I was not living my life, my life was living me.

Right now again I am sort of trapped where I am (geographically, and somewhat emotionally) but I plug away at "the little things" every day that when piled together will serve to gain me a net win.  A net win, me??!?!?  Mister, I like the way you think!

Quack you when I get back.

Should I stay or should I go?

Music: Children of the Revolution-(cover by) Violent Femmes
Mood: F-I-N-E-Y

Let's be honest, I am not keeping up with this blog.  The days seem to be flying by and then all of a sudden they are away from me before I even think about it.  It is already almost my birthday again.  I could swear I just had one of those last year!  Anyway, I don't really have a lot to say, I just thought I *should* say something.

Sometimes I wish I were part of a religion that allowed for some sort of full-time commitment whether that was a Nun, a Monk, etc...  I am hopelessly human and so have a hard time casting off the shackles of an imperfect world and imperfect human nature in order to commune with God.  My attention span has almost turned to zero, and a short attention span is one of the most unhelpful things when seeking religious communion or affirmation.

I read every day.  I read and read, and read trying to find something, to feel something, to know that I am not out of reach.  That my stiff-neckedness has not overtaken me and my heart congealed to the consistency of a boulder.  The goal is to be teachable, to have a broken heart and a contrite spirit.  Instead, I am trapped.  I am not puffed up with pride, but I am the opposite; I am dragged under while the weight of self-doubt and sin swirl around me and engulf me.

What can I do?  I wouldn't really classify it as a crisis of faith, I would more say it is an ongoing crisis of self-esteem.  In my head I know I have a divine nature, in my heart it applies to everyone but me.  Ramblings, really.

It rained quite hard yesterday.  It was wonderful.  I regret not being outside when it happened.  It came and went relatively quickly.  I haven't seen a driving rain like that in quite some time.  It was comforting.  Jack disagreed, he took refuge in the closet until it died down and then sought out the comfort of my waiting lap.  He approached so cautiously that I am sure he thought that I was the one who made the rain happen.  I had gotten back in from my walk a very short while before it started.  After the heat and sweat of the walk a nice wet kiss from the earth would have been just the thing.  Still, it was beautiful to watch and I am grateful to have been afforded the opportunity to experience it and the world--even as if from a great and spacious building.

Quack-set Hut  <~~~makin' it great.

PUT THE FUCKING LOTION IN THE BASKET!

Music: (Stupid) Party Rock Anthem:LMFAO (or whatever the hell)
Mood: Scatter-Scatter-brained

Believe it or not, I have been busy.  I have been trying to have as little downtime as possible lately.  That is not to say that I am constantly moving or something, but I have been doing more reading, and I have also undertaken the daunting task of finally trying to get all my genealogy notes in order.  Plus, I am still doing Independent Study classes, and working on my health as well.

Phew!  Lots of work.  I have slacked a lot on my writing though.  That makes me sad.  I don't really know what I was expecting to come of Ben's story, but once I really started writing it I started to develop high hopes that it would turn out to have been a great project for me.  I still think it is a good project, but I am sort of lost as to how to get where I want to go.  I have a vague idea of where I eventually want to wind up though.

As I was writing that last paragraph I completely realized it is a metaphor for my life.  I have a vague idea of where I want to end up, but almost no idea how to get there.  In between time is-a-wasting though.  I am trying to keep my head on straight though.

Stretching, breathing, thinking of ways to improve and attempting to implement them.  This is how I am spending my time pretty much.  I have "let myself go" for so long that it is possible I may be trying to tackle too much self-improvement at one time, and if I start to feel overwhelmed I will scale it back, but for now I plan on plugging away and trying to improve what I can, and let go of the rest.

If a duck didn't know how to spell, he would probably say

QUAKE!

P.S.-Doesn't this book look so awesome? 

Head Wigs Part 2

Music: Origin of Love-Hedwig and the Angry Inch
Mood: Nettled

Coming to better understand myself was like solving the world's worst rubik's cube.  I struggled, and fought, and attempted to will my way in but it would not work.  I needed to breathe.

Only through reflection in calm moments was I able to make as much progress as I did.  Currently I find myself stymied on another seemingly endless and immovable plateau.  I have taken some solace in scheduling.  I have a morning and evening routine that helps keep me grounded.  It is holding on for dear life to any port in a storm.

This period of inner turmoil has taken me by surprise.  I thought I was doing relatively well for a long time.  Not good, and certainly not ideal but I thought I was passing.  I was wrong.  My ability to communicate has broken down and I often feel myself either lashing out at people (whether necessary or unnecessary) or I feel like they are lashing out at me.  I am having trouble getting my balance.

I am under a lot of pressure right now both from outside forces, as well as the pressure I put on myself.  One of my friendships seems to be falling apart for no reason that I can really discern.  Every time I try to probe my feelings on it it becomes too upsetting because I am left with the sneaking suspicion that my friendship was not nearly as valued as I had thought it was.  The shame of foolishness and vulnerability adds to the sting of the unfolding of these events.

However, like Hedwig, I must press on.  I must wrench my chin skyward even when the forces of gravity weigh so heavily I feel my very spirit is being crushed.  The monumental effort to live, let alone laugh and love saps me and leaves me exhausted.  I live to fight another day...

Quack-in sie Deutsch?

2 yoots

Music: LDS Children's Songbook (yes, the whole thing)
Mood: Fuzzled

I am taking a quick break from the Head Wigs series to answer some questions posed by Deb-a-leb-a-ding-dong over at her blog Kicking Corners.  Here are my answers to some of the questions followed by 11 things that I love.  It is a good exercise in gratitude.

1. Why did you start a blog? So I had someone to talk to.

2. What have you learned about yourself from blogging? I don’t know that I have learned anything about myself, but it is definitely interesting to see my feelings at different times cemented to be perused at a later date.  I am hoping that it will help with perspective.

3. How do you blog and still get things done around your house? I don’t blog enough or have enough to do around the house that the two will ever come into conflict.

4. Why is blogging better than Facebook? Because while I cannot say what I am thinking 100% on my blog, I certainly can’t even come close on Facebook.

5. What is the last book you read? Hope Rising by Kim Meeder

6. What is the last live performance you saw? The Decemberists

7. What is your favorite children's book? Since Harry Potter for some reason is still classified as a children’s book I will say the entire series.  As far as *true* children’s books go I will say Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No good, Very bad day.

8. What is your favorite typeface? Your mother.

9. Would you ever put your cat on a leash? Yes, but not to take him for a walk, more as extra insurance against running away for vet visits or traveling.

10. Who would play you in the movie version of your life?  I honestly don’t know.  I don’t even want to be me, so I can’t imagine wishing it on someone else.

11. Love the tourists or can't wait for them to leave? They don’t really bother me.  They’re people like any others.

1. Soy milk or regular milk? I’ve never had soy milk, so regular.

2. Favorite sport to watch? Why? In person, basketball; on television either tennis or baseball.

3. Sitcoms or reality television? I guess sitcoms, but by and large I am uninterested.

4. Laptop or tablet? Why? Laptop.  My fingers are too fat to be effective with a tablet.

5. Which person has influenced your life the most? I really don’t know.  I have known so many wonderful people in my life that it would really be remiss to pick only one.  Some are higher up as far as influence than others but I am grateful for the patience and love of many people.

6. Which would you most hate to be without, television, computer, or cell phone? Probably cell phone.  I am afraid of getting lost, so if I can always call and get directions it makes me feel better

7. Which would you hate to be without, your hair or a body shape you liked? My hair.

8. Where would you rather live, high-rise or suburbs? Why? Neither.  I prefer cities, but a high-rise is out for me.  I am a-feared of heights.

1. I love written correspondence.  I will save it for years and years.

2. I love my birthday.  I was born on my great-grandmother's 86th birthday so it will forever be a link between us.

3. I love ice cream cake and the little black crunchies that come with it.

4. I love peaceful moments of reflection and the satisfaction they provide.
5. I love black and white photographs.

6. I love to sing, especially when my voice is behaving and I sound good.

7. I love when I can help others by imparting any knowledge I possess.

8. I love Jack's "I'm hungry, get up and feed me." meow.

9. I love to discover the meaning behind names.

10. I love to learn about subjects that interest me.

11. I love walking in a heavy downpour.

That's all for now, I will return with the 2nd installment of Head Wigs soon.  I am still thinking it through.

Release the Quack-en!

Head Wigs Part 1

Music: Origin of Love-Hedwig and the Angry Inch
Mood: Ponderous

Whenever my fight or flight is triggered (which it is always fight) the inevitable crash when things calm down but are not resolved is always the same feeling as I have now.  It is fairly indescribable but it leaves me re-hashing almost every event of my life that I can remember in an attempt to see where I might have been wrong and pondering the choices and consequences that led me there.

I get stuck in these moments.  Simultaneously my greatest strength and my greatest weakness is that I am a thinker.  Hashing things out helps me process them and deal with them, but it also leads me down quite a lot of harmful rabbit holes.  Like Alice, I find myself in the Wonderland of my brain with nary an escape route that will not result in some harm or another.  I cannot achieve true repentance for my wrongs because I seem to be physically, mentally, and emotionally unable to forgive myself.  Without that self-forgiveness one can never let go.  Which is why I get stuck.

One might think that since I can articulate the problem why can't I solve it?  This is a direct result of the curse of the thinker.  Everything I have seen and heard and experienced in my life has contributed to who I am today.  Not as if I am this wonderful person, but it could definitely be worse.  I am not blind and deaf to the blessings I have experienced in my life and the grace by which they have come.  I deserve no goodness yet I am almost 32 years old, there is a roof over my head, there is food in my belly, Jack is whole and healthy, and my family and friends can pretty much still stand the sight of me.  These are the very mark of miracles and wonders for me.  I have it better than a great deal of people, so why can't I be happy?

My life has been hard on me, and after this long day's journey I just want to take a rest but I cannot.  My brain is always going firing away from one subject to another inspiring within me such a barrage of feelings that I can hardly keep up.  Until I came to better understand myself it was an unending nightmare.

I will save more for another time.

Quack.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth

Music: End of the line-Traveling Wilburys
Mood: Wonderful

Today is just a really fantastic day.  It's a bit muggy outside, but I am inside anyway.  I have been catching up with old friends, I weighed myself and have lost some weight already, and listening to great and long-forgotten music.  An orange-letter day (not quite red-letter).

I feel so good that I could probably burst.  I will try not to because it will most likely make a mess of my computer.  Even Jack is outwardly happy today, he has been frisking around like a kitten but without the kitten naughtiness.  I don't want to write a ton and ruin the mood by jinxing it, but rest assured dear readers I am glad I have this outlet, and this voice to offer you.

Oh Quacky Day

Is your refrigerator running?

Music: Oh Very Young-Cat Stevens
Mood: Light-hearted enough

Hello again.  I have been keeping with my healthy eating.  Sometimes it is hard, but I am determined to see it through to the best of my ability.  I have goals in mind, and generally when I set a goal it is hard to break from it.  I'm a stubborn ass that way.

I have to check myself frequently though.  There are so many people having children right now that it is spinning my head around.  I have baby fever on the brain.  I still have a ton of weight to lose before it is even a feasible undertaking.  Discussing it is helpful to me, but getting too involved in the minutia of it is sometimes harmful.  I want to have a child within the next 5 years and I think that is a realistic goal.  For health reasons though I probably will not pursue having my own child anymore after I am 40.  That will sort of be my point to start looking into adoption.

I am contemplating having a professional artist make my logo for me.  If it is affordable, or if it can be bartered in some fashion then I will debut it here first.  Otherwise I will continue with what I have always done for a logo--nothing.

I am going to leave you all for today, I realize this was a short post, but discretion, and the lack of a life keep me from having very much to say these days.  I will be back soon though.  If anyone has a subject they would like me to talk about, please feel free to leave it in the comments and I will oblige as much as I can.

Quanks.

Must be take a worm for a walk week

Music: Wow Wow Wubbzy Wubbzy Wubbzy WOW WOW
Mood: Forgetful

Sorry, I forgot to write something today.  So, instead, please enjoy this list of things I have eaten today.

Breakfast-1 cup Special K, 1% Milk, large orange
Breakfast Snack-Apple Cinnamon NutriGrain Bar
Lunch-Tuna fish w light mayo on toasted whole wheat bread with reduced fat Colby Jack cheese, 7 baby carrot sticks, 12 oz Diet Orange Stop and Shop Soda
Dinner-Tuna fish w light mayo in a salad w cherry tomatoes, blackberries, fresh spinach, crumbled goat cheese, reduced fat Colby Jack cheese, reduced fat Raspberry Vinaigrette Dressing, 12 oz Diet Orange Stop and Shop Soda, handful of french fries :(

I was bad at the end there. 

Quack.

Buon compleanno mio gatto!

Music: The Brak Show DVD Song-The Brak Show
Mood: Wunnerful

Today is seriously a day I worried would never happen.  Today, my baby cat boy, my furry BFF,  is 10 years old!  I am ecstatic he is still here and is still in great health (his weight is definitely progressing in the right direction). 

I have not been keeping up with this blog at all in the past week plus and I am sorry, but the days have literally been flying by where I tell myself I will get to it and then it never seems to happen.  I have embarked on a healthy eating plan and some exercise.  Believe it or not, it actually takes up a lot of my time to think up what to eat, and in what portions.  Yesterday, while I was eating, all of a sudden I just felt incredibly depressed.  As if the world had crashed down upon me.  I guess I never thought about how eating healthy would impact me--it makes my stomach hurt, and now it depresses me too!  I will continue to plug away though.  I ordered a neat scale that also measures hydration, and body fat.  Once I get that I will officially start keeping track of things.  I don't even know how much I weigh; it has been an age since I set foot on a scale.

Also, to the detriment of my time and productivity, I have rediscovered a dormant love for Words with Friends.  For some reason the idea of a tandem crossword puzzle of sorts appeals to me.  I will have to shut it down soon though if it continues to hog my time.

Ben's story is progressing, but not exactly how I want it to.  I am pleased with the story but I think I am starting to get wrapped up in minutia.  It seems like almost every, or every other paragraph should be the end of a chapter.  I have a vague idea where I want the story to go but in the meantime I am sort of chasing my tail a bit.  I wonder if it is a form of writer's block.  I sincerely hope not because I am nowhere near done with what needs to happen to wrap things up.

My IS courses are also not going as well as I had hoped.  I guess I can only do one at a time, which is fine, but the format is terrible.  It is sort of like (so far) something I could have just found on the internet.  I haven't gotten to anything yet that I would classify as learning.  Maybe I am just a huge snobby prick though, haha.

I am in the process of developing a reading list for myself though.  A couple of months ago I severely cut down on my television watching, and instead of staring into space it would be wonderful if I could be productive through reading a lot of the things I have been putting off.  The problem is that it is very hard to read in this house.  The amount of constant noise can be compared to an audio assault.  I have the house to myself for a while today, so I should try and get into something and get hooked.

Well, I know this has been a largely unsatisfying post, but I really didn't have too much to say.  I wanted to give a shout to my boy on his b-day so that is why I chose today to post.  I will be back on Monday with another post, I promise.

Quack-y Birthday dear Jackieeeeeeeee Quack-y Birthday to youuuuuuuuuu. (and many more!)

Oh, P.S. I forgot to mention that the reason the Brak Show DVD Menu song is my "song of the day" is because it is Jack's favorite song.  It goes "Welcome everybody to the Brak Show DVD---doodedoodoo."  He loved it when I replaced Brak with Jack, and I have sang it to him ever since.

Words for Breakfast

Music: Behind Blue Eyes-The Who
Mood: Kindled

Goodly morning.  Jack woke me up today in the usual way by meowing his head off because he wanted to eat, and he wanted it now!  Today is the kind of day where I cannot be mad about it though.  In the past few days I have been filled by intellectual discourse, and a resolve to light a fire under my ass.  It feels good to be doing something again and look forward to seeing where this all takes me.

I signed into my Facebook app this morning and found that my XDH had posted multiple songs one of which was Behind Blue Eyes (not the version by The Who though).  This song got me through a lot of hard times when I was navigating Salt Lake City by myself.  It was the first time in my life I had ever lived alone and I was sort of overwhelmed and rejuvenated by the sink or swim aspect of it all.  Sometimes I sank, and other times I swam.  The memories are glorious, even if they are rose-colored.

Nephew R drew an amazing picture of Jack.  I would love to share it here, but I actually think I might keep it to myself for a while and appreciate the surprisingly fine detail that can be put to page by a 6 year old with a marker and a pen.  I really do admire his talent.  I tried my hand at drawing several times.  While I was not really good at it at all it helped me process through a lot.  I was able to draw some of the pain I had carried with me for as long as I could remember--pain I could not have articulated any other way.  I've found that drawing (like other endeavors) helps me for the time I need it to and then I can move on from it to something else.  I am thankful for the drive, and the courage to try something new; and the wisdom to know when it is time.

I am plugging away at my story about Ben.  I have added a new character that I am excited about.  I don't push myself, or else I know I won't ever get it done.  I simply open my word document, type either a paragraph or two a day and then leave it at that.  The constant fresh perspective may be helping or harming, ultimately time will tell.  As with all of my writing I will go back at the end and edit so that will be the ultimate test.  I can't wait to see what happens to Ben.

I can't wait to see what happens to me.

Quack-i-tude

That kind of day, folks...

Music: American Woman-The Guess Who
Mood: The Survey Kind

I filled out this same survey close on to 2.5 years ago.  My updated answers are in brackets.

What is on your bed right now? Linens....n' things [Hilarious!]
When was the last time you threw up? 3 days ago [I don't remember]
What's your favorite word or phrase? "Now I'm getting a really big clue" [for some reason, I love to say di-A-per]
Name 3 people who made you smile today? SD, JD, and Jack [Jack, I just got out of bed so haven't seen anyone else yet]
What were you doing at 8 am this morning? Sleeping [it's only 5:57]
What were you doing 30 minutes ago? Watching "It's Garry Shandling Show" [Feeding Jack]
What is your favorite holiday? Guy Fawkes Day [Same]
Have you ever been to another country? LV is another country [Same]
What is the last thing you said aloud? "Where you going Jackie?" [You wanna eat?]
What is the best ice cream flavor? Cookies and Cream [Same, but I still can't eat it]
What was the last thing you had to drink? Soda [Pink Lemonade]
What are you wearing right now? Pajamas [Ha, same]
What was the last thing you ate? Popcorn [Granola Bar]
Have you bought any new clothing items this week? No [Same]
When was the last time you ran? September 2008 [I don't even recall this, but I guess that is when]
What's the last sporting event you watched? Probably a basketball game w/Dan [I watched a Mets game last year sometime]
If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go? Ireland [Same]
Who is the last person you sent a comment/message on myspace? SD [Must still be since I don't have MySpace anymore and haven't for a while]
Ever go camping? Yes [Same]
Do you have a tan? No [Same]
Have you ever lost anything down a toilet? Not anything I wanted back [Same]
What is your guilty pleasure? right now it is Youtube [I feel guilty about any pleasure since I feel I don't deserve it]
Do you use smiley faces on the computer alot? No [Same]
Do you drink your soda from a straw? If I have one yes [Same]
What did your last text message say? N/A [Fight the power.]
Are you someone's best friend? Not sure [Still not sure]
What are you doing tomorrow? Same as today...nothing [Making 72 hr kit]
Where is your mom right now? Home
Look to your left, what do you see? Muddy paw prints on the couch [My mustard-colored wall]
What color is your watch? N/A [Black]
What do you think of when you think of Australia? A Dingo [Same]
Ever ridden on a roller coaster? Yes [Same]
What is your birthstone? Ruby [Same]
Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive thru? Both [I don't really go in anymore unless I need to use the facilities.]
Do you have any friends on myspace that you actually hate? No [LOL, MySpace]
Do you have a dog? No [My parents have one and I live here, so sorta, kinda, maybe]
Last person you talked to on the phone? My mother [Dan]
Any plans today? No [Yes, gotta pick up some items from a few different places]
Are you happy? No [Same]
Where are you right now? Living Room [My room]
Biggest annoyance in your life right now? I feel like I am standing still [Wow, same!]
Last song listened to? Altered version of Single Ladies [King of the Hill theme song]
Last movie you saw? The Goods: Live Hard Sell Hard [Rise of the Planet of the Apes]
Are you allergic to anything? certain bug bites [I am no longer around said bugs, but I assume their bites would still induce a reaction]
Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time? My black ones [My black and gray Skechers]
Are you jealous of anyone? Almost everyone [Not genuinely, no.  Sometimes on the surface I feel like I am, but when I actually reflect on it I am not]
Are you married? No [Same]
Is anyone jealous of you? No [God, I hope not]
Do any of your friends have children? Yes [Same]
Do you eat healthy? No [Same]
What do you usually do during the day? various things [Same]
Do you hate anyone right now? No [Same]
Do you use the word 'hello' daily? No [Same]
How many kids do you want when you're older? NA [1 or 2]
How old will you be turning on your next birthday? 30 [32]
Have you ever been to Six Flags? Yes [Same]
How did u get one of your scars? I had my appendix out in 1995 [Same]

The Quack-vey Says.....

On the head of a pin

Music: Don't Cry Out Loud-Various
Mood: Apprehensive

I need a big old heaping helping of grace today.  From myself, from the universe, from God, from everyone.  An unwelcome event has descended upon me with all the subtlety of a ton of bricks. I am no great shakes at "dealing" so here I am fretting away, projecting, negatively reflecting, all of the things I try to avoid.

I keep running over all of the Christian Charity I have in my back pocket, and nothing feels right.  Nothing feels like it will work today.  I need something else.  Something more than "turn the other cheek" or "love thine enemy".  I need a Christlike intervention of (wait for it...) biblical proportions.  This is sink or swim, and these are the times when one finds out what they are truly made of I suppose. 

I will continue to try, and continue to run over examples of good works, and patient faith in order to get through.  This isn't like eating crow--I can admit my own wrongs readily enough--it is like eating something else.  A foul, disease-ridden stench-infested maggot pie of some sort with a roach on top for good measure.  As you can guess, I am having a hard time swallowing because all I want to do is spit it out.

I don't like to be cryptic, but I cannot be more explicit.  I can imagine all I want that this blog is private, but it is not, and discretion is the greater part of a lot of things not just valor.  Some of you may already know what I am talking about.  For those who may not you can ask me privately and I will answer. 

In desperation, I want to pull a Juliet and feign death.  I want to take to my hidey hole and emerge when it is all over.  It is or my own comfort that I feel this way, but also for my own anger.  My anger bubbles inside of me, and just under the surface at the best of times.  In the face of such provocation I don't know if I can remain calm. 

I will try.  I will attempt to be calm enough to pray for guidance.  I will try to not be a coward.

Quack-of-frustration.

20 Questions of Homework (or, For Deb)

Music: Angel Won't You Call Me-The Decemberists
Mood: Levelly

As part of my Kicking Corners homework due 5/22 Mrs. S has asked us to answer as many of these questions as we can.  She also asked about some name thing but I didn't understand it so I am skipping straight to the questions.  Maybe I can scrape a B at least :)  Here goes...

1. What are you listening to right now? The sound of silence.
2. Do you like your handwriting? Sometimes yes and sometimes no. It depends.
3. If you were another person, would you be friends with you?  Probably not.  I am decently funny, but my cycles of required alone time tend to push people away I think.
4. What’s your favorite breakfast? When I am being good it is Honey Bunches of Oats, when I am being naughty it is an Egg and Cheese McGriddle.
5. The first thing you notice about people is… Generally I first notice how people walk.  Because of my own weird walking hang-ups I like to see how other people do it.
6. In what way are you irrational?  Oh man.  In most ways.  I can't be any more succinct than that.
7. If you needed a kidney, who would be the first person willing to donate one to you?  I wouldn't allow it.  As far as who would volunteer first I really don't know.  I imagine a member of my family who knew about it first. Then again, maybe not.
8. Where’s the farthest you’ve been from home?  Las Vegas, NV
9. Scary movies or happy endings?  It depends on my mood.  I enjoy both.
10. What makes you feel young?  Wearing a hood over my head.
11. Do you believe everything happens for a reason? Yes--even if that reason is that someone is an asshole.  Choices lead to consequences, always.
12. What’s something you aren’t? Happy.
13. If you had next Monday off from all responsibilities and expectations, what would you do?  I don't really have responsibilities or expectations so it would be a typical Monday.  I would simply wait for it to be over.
14. Do you always smile for pictures?  No.  I do sometimes though. Unless I am laughing it seems forced.
15. What would you be willing to literally fight for?  A lot.  Jack being the most notable.  Woe unto any person, place, or thing that would attempt to harm him.
16. What is your all-time favorite joke?  I don't have one.
17. Wonderland or Oz? Both are pretty scary.  Maybe Wonderland though.
18. What’s the story of your first kiss?  I would rather tell the story of my first attempted kiss.  I was barely 14 and I was at a backyard party.  There was a boy there who I thought was cute, and he apparently thought I was as well.  He was pretty drunk though.  We had gone for a walk and he just came at me lips curled and all.  My whole life flashed before my eyes.  I pushed him and he fell down and I ran away.  I am not entirely sure why I pushed him away, but I think I have always simply reasoned that I didn't want my first kiss to be with someone who was drunk.  In retrospect taking into account the story of my actual first kiss I should have let my first kiss happen at 14.
19. How do you explain déjà vu?  I don't.  I don't pretend to be able to explain or even understand everything the universe has to offer.  I am content to be able to wrap my brain around whatever I can.
20. What’s the coldest you’ve ever been?  What a great question!  I know I have been incredibly cold before but I am not sure I can put my finger on when or where it was or if it was colder than any other time.  I do remember driving to Boise in a near blizzard one time and then trying to get to sleep in the car.  It was so incredibly cold.  However, I have lived in Wisconsin, so I am sure I was ever colder than that.


Thanks for reading.  I will return to my regularly scheduled blogging in about 2 days time.


Quack-a-torium.

Watcher of the skies

Music: Beautiful World-Devo
Mood: Resigned

Well, my lovelies, school is over for the semester.  What will I do with myself now?  I am limited in how I can be employed due to my errant knee and terrible credit.  It would be nice to add to my monetary supply but I fear I will probably not find anything.  Instead, I look to September 10th for the dawning of a new semester of wondrous beauty.  In the meantime, I plan to engage my brain in writing, reading, being depressed, and taking some free courses at BYU-IS.

Hopefully I can give Ben the back-story (and forward story (???)) that will do him proud.  This is my opportunity to create something and I hope I don't seriously blow it--however I don't have much confidence in myself.  I am no writer.

I don't really know what else I can say.  I am grateful for any opportunity to improve myself so I am grateful for trial by fire even though sometimes it seriously burns.  It really burns so much.  I can only imagine that I just have a lot to burn off in order to be purified.  Maybe someday I will be good enough--what for I am not sure, but for something.  In the meantime I watch and wait.

Wait to watch.
Watch to live.
Live to die.
Die to know and see and feel and be.
Be constantly on the watch for the next refiner's fire.

Quackit.

Bum Bum Buuuuuuummmmmm

Music: Personal Jesus-Depeche Mode
Mood: Tired

Cultural Mormonism will be the death of the religion.  That is a paraphrased quote by me in a text message to a friend of mine who is a writer on the Bloggernacle.

For those not "in the know" there is a group of folks--largely centered in Utah--who are what is known as "Cultural Mormons."  These cultural Mormons most times believe little, if any, of the actual doctrinal concepts contained within their religion yet they insist on being Mormons and ruining it for everyone else. 

Mormon Culture (not to be confused with Cultural Mormons) is rich in history, revelation, sacrifice, martyrdom, striving, and co-operation.  Pioneer heritage real or adopted is worn as a sort of badge of honor.  The struggle of a people persecuted and oft times killed or harangued for their religious beliefs cannot help but be sympathetic, and so the story of such a group of people who went on to not only survive, but flourish cannot help but be admired.

Cultural Mormonism is what happens when people are too attached to the history that they cannot see that they no longer belong.  I want to make a special note here about the environment throughout much of Utah where if one is not Mormon one is usually a second class citizen.  Sometimes a person's own family will threaten, or go through with disowning them if they feel they are not living up to standards they (not God!!!) have set.  This is a large part of the reason Cultural Mormonism has become the monster that it is today.  Due to societal and familial pressure (real or imagined) people will feel that they NEED to stay a part of The Church.  I am here to tell you that if your family will disown you because you do not believe what they believe they are terrorists.  I am not throwing that word around lightly as so many do, but these actions are terrorism.  Do what I say, or face my consequences.

It is up to the individual themselves to stand up and say that if you do not love me because I do not believe as you do then you don't really love me.  Unfortunately, this is a flat-out pipe dream on my part as the majority of people are far too weak to do such a thing.  Instead, they will stay in The Church, resenting all of the wrong people, and steadily attempting to chip away at doctrine until it is unrecognizable.

Cultural Mormonism is the driving force behind this attempt to cozy up to mainstream Christians.  It is a desperate attempt to belong to, what?  A different group of people who hate you for your beliefs?  Seriously, if you do not believe in Mormon doctrine, and you are more comfortable with mainstream Christians then please I beg you to go join them.  You will be happier that way instead of trying desperately to straddle a fence that is just too wide.  We are Christians because we follow Christ, but we are very different than mainstream Christians.  We are a people apart, peculiar, bold in our worship and in proclamation of our beliefs.  THAT is the Pioneer spirit.  Not sniveling around running away from what we believe and hiding it under a rock so no one judges us.

The greatest part about any religion is the fact that if you do not agree or do not want to be a part of it you don't have to be.  You may feel pressure, and there may be consequences, but despite what anyone tells you these will not be eternal consequences.  They are consequences by misled Mommy's and Daddy's and siblings who can't tell the damn difference between Satan's Plan and the Plan of Salvation.  The best thing you can do is assert your free agency--your God given right and obligation to choose.  Lukewarm fence dwellers will be spit out of His mouth.  Boldly claim what is yours, whatever that may be.

Cultural Mormonism alternately makes me sad and angry.  It makes me angry because I am tired of the direction people are heading when trying to whitewash truth to make other people feel comfortable--especially people who are so far removed from it anyway.  But it also truly does make me sad when people feel that they have to be a part of something they do not believe in.  I don't like to see people in this type of identity crisis pain.  It hits entirely too close to home.  I want to shake them and tell them to get their act together, and then I want to hold them and tell them it will be okay.

Finally, I want it to be clear that I do not judge, nor do I care what other people believe.  Whatever people subscribe to is between themselves and any higher power (or lack thereof) that they acknowledge.  I am a true champion of free agency.  What I do not like, is people trying to change what I believe.  Tweaking doctrine here and there, trying to make everyone nice and comfy with concepts that don't have an earthly basis is an attempt to take away my identity.  Cut it the hell out!!!

Q-waaaa-ck