Been a while, while...

Music: A Little Respect-Erasure
Mood: Contemplative

The thought process I am having right now was sparked by an episode of American Dad I saw last night parts of which were an homage to the movie What's Eating Gilbert Grape? That movie is one of the greatest movies of all time. The brotherly love that Gilbert has for Arnie, and Arnie's sweet nature are of course touching but what affects me most is the mother.

I see a lot of myself in her, and that scares me. I often think about whether or not I am passive-aggressively killing myself by continuing to actively pile on weight. Intellectually I know that it is self-destructive, but yet I continue to eat horrible things, and barely move an inch.

I often wonder why I am still alive, meaning for what purpose. I no longer feel that I am fit to be around other human beings. I relish no social interaction whatsoever, and I could spend the rest of my life cooped up in my hidey-hole if I allowed myself. I worry a lot about my future, and do not have a great deal of hope for what lies in store.

These feelings come and go, but mainly come and I have absolutely no one to talk to about it. So this is where my blog comes back in handy again....

For your enjoyment

Devotion in Stereo

Music: All I ask of You-Phantom of the Opera
Mood: Reverent

Songs of true devotion:

I was simply attempting to practice vocals, when I stumbled across a huge revelation. I was singing "I’ll Go Where You Want Me To Go" (for those who aren’t LDS, please at least listen to the song) It is a standard at Missionary “going-away’s” but it is so much more then that. This song lights me on fire man.

The basic idea of the song is a covenant. If you (Christ) will hold my hand and guide me through it all no matter what it is or where it is I will follow you. I will do what you want me to do, I’ll go where you want me to go, I’ll say what you want me to say.

This is a song of pure faith. A song of devotion. Music is HOLY. It is not only right, but it is imperative that you raise your voices in song to your Creator. Music is meant to delight the soul of man as well, but it is intended to delight the soul of man as far as it serves to remind him of the premortal life that he spent in the presence of his God.

Creativity, beauty, the human spirit these are all things that please God.

Please exercise, and use your talents. It is pleasing to your Father, he will wait for you.

I do want to write about “If you could hie to Kolob” but that song has all but been removed from the hymnal. I don’t want to bring it to light in this forum and risk it being removed for good, but PLEASE PLEASE ask me about this song if you want to discuss devotional songs and the nature and purpose of life.

Spiral Musings...

Music: Some Enchanted Evening-Jay & The Americans
Mood: Reflectalicious

We left Salt Lake City at about 9:30 a.m. on 1/1/08. I was nervous about what I would find there, but I knew I had to look. I went to the Jetty as a religious pilgrimage. I went seeking God. We were the first to arrive, and so it was completely deserted. All you could see was the Jetty itself, and salt for miles and miles. It seemed to meet with the horizon. At first I was resentful because I didn’t understand there would be such rocky terrain so I sat in solitude on top of the mountain, watching and praying. When the time was right I was able to find an alternate route down to the salt. It was beautiful…a vast expanse of nothing but salt that could be walked on. It glittered in the sun, each grain winking at me with reflected glory. We walked over to the spiral jetty and while I declined walking the spiral I was certainly able to appreciate the work that was placed into it. The hand of God, and the hand of Man. We picked our way back up the hill, and then parted ways. I went to do what I had come there for. I sought solitude with only my mind, a pen, and paper. I didn’t wind up writing anything down; some things are too good for words. We left at around 3:30p.m to come back to Salt Lake City. I had accomplished what I went there for. I didn’t find all my answers, but I did find some, and that is good enough for me. I was glad I went simply because I went with a right-thinking head, and emerged triumphant from that salty stretch of land.

Observe:


Quacky New Year

Jamming the radars...with Jam

Music: Like A Rolling Stone-Bob Dylan
Mood: Breaking Point

I haven't liked Christmas for a long time. I like to give to those I love, and I like the time of year but the holiday (holy-day #eyeroll#) has been severely corrupted. It isn't as if Jesus was born on December 25th anyway, but if you are supposedly celebrating the birth of The Christ then at least try and act like it. I know I am not feeling very Christ-like right now. That is definitely my fault, yes, so keep your bloomers on. I feel very weak lately. I feel as if my resolve has gone out the window. I just want to scream out for guidance, but there is none to come. We are all alone. We come into this world alone, and we die alone. I have often had foolish ideas, but there has also been times when I am so clear it scares me. This is a Christmas rant, so please don't place any stock in things like grammar and proper writing form because I am not. This is my toxic waste dumping ground today. Humans only use 10% of their brains, and so the other day I was wondering what the other 90% was for, and I know it is for the Spiritual. The things you cannot taste, touch, smell, hear, or see. Pure spiritual instinct. I remember things that I shouldn't probably and in a public forum I certainly cannot share them. But believe me, I know of what I speak. I do struggle with faith, everyone does, but my faith will never be gone. I am not sure of everything that I am supposed to be doing, but I know I would do it. Being alone at Christmas is hard, but pain is a cleanser. Trial by fire has always been the most satisfying because God will cleanse those wounds and you are that much stronger afterwards. It has often been said that strength lies in numbers, but I disagree, I think strength lies in truth. 1 person fighting for the truth is more powerful then thousands of armies of unrighteousness. These eyes are crying, these eyes have seen alot of love but theyre never gonna see another one like I have with you. 2008 begins soon. Enjoy "life" while you still have the chance. Time grows short before the feces hits the ventilation. Read Revelations and UNDERSTAND. Read The Screwtape Letters, that book was written by God through C.S. Lewis. Know thine enemy kiddies. I have lot of growing yet to do, and I have hit a snag right now, but it is almost time for me to be The Boss. If you don't understand that is ok, it is not necessary to understand. Just believe.

Quacky Christmas

Bee Gee love

Music: See Post
Mood: See Post

It's over and done but the heartache lives on inside And who's the one you're clinging to instead of me tonight? And where are you now, now that I need you? Tears on my pillow wherever you go I'll cry me a river that leads to your ocean You never see me fall apart In the words of a broken heart It's just emotion that's taken me over Tied up in sorrow, lost in my soul But if you don't come back Come home to me, darling You know that there'll be nobody left in this world to hold me tight Nobody left in this world to kiss goodnight Goodnight Goodnight I'm there at your side, I'm part of all the things you are But you've got a part of someone else You've got to find your shining star And where are you now, now that I need you? Tears on my pillow wherever you go I'll cry me a river that leads to your ocean You never see me fall apart In the words of a broken heart It's just emotion that's taken me over Tied up in sorrow, lost in my soul But if you don't come back Come home to me, darling You know that there'll be nobody left in this world to hold me tight Nobody left in this world to kiss goodnight Goodnight And where are you now, now that I need you? Tears on my pillow wherever you go I'll cry me a river that leads to your ocean You never see me fall apart In the words of a broken heart It's just emotion that's taken me over Tied up in sorrow, lost in my soul But if you don't come back Come home to me, darling You know that there'll be nobody left in this world to hold me tight Nobody left in this world to kiss goodnight Goodnight In the words of a broken heart It's just emotion that's taken me over Tied up in sorrow, lost in my soul But if you don't come back Come home to me, darling You know that there'll be nobody left in this world to hold me tight Nobody left in this world to kiss goodnight Goodnight (Goodnight)

Your Reflections Session will not open...

Music-None
Mood-Humbled

Satan (&co) are powerful enemies. They have a way of sneaking in to your mind without you even knowing they are there. Mimicking your own thoughts, and suggesting feelings to you. Most times even the best of us cannot tell the difference between outside thoughts suggested to us and our own internal dialogue. This is the case because the Latter-days have been reserved for the most valiant warriors, but the veil can sometimes do horrible things. It allows people to forget who they are, and where they came from, and why they are here.

There was a time when I literally felt demons pulling me away from God's work. Holding me back with such force that it manifested itself physically. It was quite scary, I tell you. Holding fast to the iron rod and enduring patiently to the end have never been my strong points. I have been faced many times with a decision and have often taken the coward's way out. In fact, almost every time. I have run from city to city and state to state in search of a peace that cannot come because it needs to come from inside.

I have blown a magnificent opportunity to strengthen myself and to glorify God. I am now reaping what I have sown for 27 years. I had a huge realization yesterday that made me audibly gasp as soon as I said it. J.D and I are similar souls. His is the grown-up version of mine. He has already taken the journey that I have kept trying to set myself out on and keep tripping before I get very far. I have always said that he was everything I was too afraid to be, and now I finally understand what that means. We are opposites, but the same.

When I was 8(ish) years old I was on a Softball team called Mary Ellen's Cardinals. I was absolutely horrible. The only time I got on base all season was by accident because I got walked. I took 1st base practically crying because I was so happy. Then I got greedy. I hovered inbetween 1st and 2nd base attempting to steal. I started to run back to 1st base and tripped. I was promptly tagged out. My moment to shine had been blown because I was greedy, and could not/would not be thankful for the opportunity I was given.

This is a painfully similar situation to what I am in now. There seem to be no second chances to prove your worthiness. Please don't waste your 1st ones.

Quack.