Sunday Morning Silos

Music: Through Poland to a Jewish Village
Mood: Stability-Light

I have been doing a great deal of internal searching this past week or so. I needed to find my community, a place where I could exist without preconceived notions, just a place to be me. I am not going to say "Oh, Lordy, Lordy my place has come!" or anything like that, but I am cautiously optimistic about a new blog-site I have been frequenting. It is a place for seeking deep theology, intellectual discussions, points-counterpoints, and general snarkiness; it was made for me.

Unfortunately many churches nowadays are more concerned with putting forth a culture rather than talking about doctrine. This is frustrating in the extreme. I actually need the opposite, I need the theology and to leave the culture at home. No man is an island is a concept I have struggled with my whole adulthood. If I could live on a deserted (air conditioned) island with all my needs I would essentially be set for life. This is impossible though. People need people. We are social creatures for a reason even though some are more so than others. It is not that I am anti-social even, I just generally prefer to be alone with my thoughts.

My brain gives me little rest time. There is always a typhoon swirling around in there and it can be very hard to shut off. It takes me a long time to process the feelings surrounding situations so my brain is constantly grinding. I am unhappy to not be in therapy, but there are no viable options here. I learned that the hard way. I need someone besides myself to tell me I matter.

They say you are never alone if you have God, and I agree with that to an extent, but God gave us family, community, the wide world full of 7 billion+ people. If we can reach out and touch each others lives even if it is through a computer we can help each other to keep on moving toward an eternal goal.

I Quack therefore I am.

False Instrumentation

Music: Close To Me (Alternate Version)-The Cure
Mood: Groggy Froggy

I am sitting here listening to music at my desk while I type away and it has come to my attention that no matter what instrument is *actually* being played I always either play air-fiddle or air-piano.

I am well-aware that it is not the instrument being played (unless it is) but for some reason, here at my desk, those two instruments are my comfort zone. Yes, believe it or not this is a post about comfort zones. Sans therapy (talk or drug) I must rely solely on my will-power to keep my weapons-grade crazy in check. Due to this heavy reliance I have almost completely withdrawn into myself barely leaving my room, let alone the house. I wouldn't say that I have agoraphobia because I am not afraid to go outside necessarily--there is just something that keeps me from wanting to do it and something that keeps me from achieving it unless I put forth a tremendous effort.

The majority of times I am so worn down that I simply cannot put forth the effort and so I stay inside and by myself. This behavior has had an unexpected negative effect on Jack. He almost won't let me out of his sight now until he is crying for me to come back. He wants to be near me all the time because he is either so used to it now, or his feline intuition has kicked in and told him I am not well. That I am hanging by a precarious thread--a wire, as it were. I try to keep it to myself as much as possible and hide it because it is my problem, not anyone else's.

So instead, I sit here at my desk, listening to music, and playing the air-fiddle and wait for a new day to come...

Quack-ilee, Quack-ila.

Where the barkers call the moon down...

Music: Here I Dreamt I Was An Architect-The Decemberists
Mood: XYZ123

Yo! You'll notice that my "mood" is a made-up one. That is because I honestly could not tell you how I am feeling right now. There are so many things on my brain lately that a lot of times it is hard to keep track. I have essentially perfected the art of being me, but the turmoil sometimes prevents me from digging as deep below my own surface as I would like.

Anyway, why am I back you ask? Well, a friend of mine made a blog-post where she did a sort of "7 things you didn't know about me" deal. I had initially intended that to be a good way to return to my blog--it would give me something to write about. I got about 3.5 hours sleep last night, and I have spent a fair portion of it fretting over such a post. I have found that as much as I may want to do it I simply cannot. I have spent the past decade+ of my life building up protective walls around myself. No vulnerability=no (or less anyway) hurt. Mr. Gorbachev, it is simply not time to tear down this wall...it may very well never be.

Since I am woefully incompetent at providing the goods which were the entire impetus for this post, I will give one thing to my millions and millions of fans out there. A sort of "1 thing you may or may not know about me."

1. I am afraid, and unafraid of everything.

Perhaps that will be enough to satiate your need for information, and vague enough for me to protect my proverbial cocoon at the same time. Ever-a-y-body Happy! Until next time, I will take my leave with an oldie but goodie...

Quack.

Been a while, while...

Music: A Little Respect-Erasure
Mood: Contemplative

The thought process I am having right now was sparked by an episode of American Dad I saw last night parts of which were an homage to the movie What's Eating Gilbert Grape? That movie is one of the greatest movies of all time. The brotherly love that Gilbert has for Arnie, and Arnie's sweet nature are of course touching but what affects me most is the mother.

I see a lot of myself in her, and that scares me. I often think about whether or not I am passive-aggressively killing myself by continuing to actively pile on weight. Intellectually I know that it is self-destructive, but yet I continue to eat horrible things, and barely move an inch.

I often wonder why I am still alive, meaning for what purpose. I no longer feel that I am fit to be around other human beings. I relish no social interaction whatsoever, and I could spend the rest of my life cooped up in my hidey-hole if I allowed myself. I worry a lot about my future, and do not have a great deal of hope for what lies in store.

These feelings come and go, but mainly come and I have absolutely no one to talk to about it. So this is where my blog comes back in handy again....

For your enjoyment

Devotion in Stereo

Music: All I ask of You-Phantom of the Opera
Mood: Reverent

Songs of true devotion:

I was simply attempting to practice vocals, when I stumbled across a huge revelation. I was singing "I’ll Go Where You Want Me To Go" (for those who aren’t LDS, please at least listen to the song) It is a standard at Missionary “going-away’s” but it is so much more then that. This song lights me on fire man.

The basic idea of the song is a covenant. If you (Christ) will hold my hand and guide me through it all no matter what it is or where it is I will follow you. I will do what you want me to do, I’ll go where you want me to go, I’ll say what you want me to say.

This is a song of pure faith. A song of devotion. Music is HOLY. It is not only right, but it is imperative that you raise your voices in song to your Creator. Music is meant to delight the soul of man as well, but it is intended to delight the soul of man as far as it serves to remind him of the premortal life that he spent in the presence of his God.

Creativity, beauty, the human spirit these are all things that please God.

Please exercise, and use your talents. It is pleasing to your Father, he will wait for you.

I do want to write about “If you could hie to Kolob” but that song has all but been removed from the hymnal. I don’t want to bring it to light in this forum and risk it being removed for good, but PLEASE PLEASE ask me about this song if you want to discuss devotional songs and the nature and purpose of life.

Spiral Musings...

Music: Some Enchanted Evening-Jay & The Americans
Mood: Reflectalicious

We left Salt Lake City at about 9:30 a.m. on 1/1/08. I was nervous about what I would find there, but I knew I had to look. I went to the Jetty as a religious pilgrimage. I went seeking God. We were the first to arrive, and so it was completely deserted. All you could see was the Jetty itself, and salt for miles and miles. It seemed to meet with the horizon. At first I was resentful because I didn’t understand there would be such rocky terrain so I sat in solitude on top of the mountain, watching and praying. When the time was right I was able to find an alternate route down to the salt. It was beautiful…a vast expanse of nothing but salt that could be walked on. It glittered in the sun, each grain winking at me with reflected glory. We walked over to the spiral jetty and while I declined walking the spiral I was certainly able to appreciate the work that was placed into it. The hand of God, and the hand of Man. We picked our way back up the hill, and then parted ways. I went to do what I had come there for. I sought solitude with only my mind, a pen, and paper. I didn’t wind up writing anything down; some things are too good for words. We left at around 3:30p.m to come back to Salt Lake City. I had accomplished what I went there for. I didn’t find all my answers, but I did find some, and that is good enough for me. I was glad I went simply because I went with a right-thinking head, and emerged triumphant from that salty stretch of land.

Observe:


Quacky New Year