ON the Earth, not IN the Earth

Music: There is a light that never goes out-The Smiths
Mood: Appreciative

In this post I will briefly discuss the post title, the song, and the mood. A duckonawire first.

Title: I can't remember when I found out the truth, but I know I was in my St. Peter's uniform so I was either 6 or 7. Either way, I can still accurately recall (because I sometimes still feel it) the terror I experienced upon finding out that we lived on the earth, as opposed to in it. Looking at a picture of Earth, I thought all the blue stuff on the surface was the sky and that is of course what we saw when we looked up. Sometimes this thought still overwhelms me and I feel the need to hold on to something. A brilliant metaphor I suppose.

Music: This is my favorite song by The Smiths. It just felt right today. The concept of it being a privilege to die by one's side is quite a compliment. I have always connected with this song for its skew on mortality. I am not as attached to my own mortality as everyone else seems to be, and I have always felt apart because of it. This song helps me feel more at home with my apathy. Whether that is good or bad remains to be seen, but it is still a great tune.

Mood: In contrast to my mortal apathy there is so much in this world (and beyond) that at my core I am so grateful for. While there is so much that I have not (and may never) accomplish which I wanted to, there is quite a lot that I have accomplished especially in the past 2 years and sometimes I need to give myself a bit of a pat on the back for it. So, way to go, Duckie--you did it! The ton of help I have received along the way is what I am grateful for. I am still here, I am still doing it.

On a different blog I go to we are discussing the difference in concept between original sin, and innate sinfulness. Have any ideas on it? It is an important distinction for me as a rejection of original sin was one of the things that drove me away from Catholicism.

I am still trying to get over a bad cough that has spread to my throat and ears. I have no insurance so I am trying to will it away sooner rather than later. It is not so bad as it was yesterday, so I am hopeful for a speedy recovery.

Aflac!

Breakdancing on the Moon

Music: Angel Won't You Call Me-The Decemberists
Mood: Sensory Overlord

Yello. I really dislike Saturdays, especially when the weather is nice out. It completely disrupts my sleep patterns. Everyone loves to do noisy yard work very early on a Saturday in nice weather. Someone has been running a chainsaw since a mere 45 minutes after I went to sleep this morning. As a result I have a major headache now, and I am also unsuccessfully fighting a major cough. Add to all this Jack's constant whining because he is more hungry than usual due to the steroids and therein lies my crippling sensory overload. I want to crawl into a comfortable cave and hibernate until the cold weather comes again. I am a reverse bear.

These next couple of weeks are going to be so busy between school work and church investigations that I may scarcely be able to keep my head on straight. Thankfully I have cut out Law and Order except on weekends so I have a lot more time than I used to. This blog will serve as an invaluable resource in siphoning off my thoughts and making the process at least easier I hope. This is (and you my faithful blog readers, are) my pensieve.

Tomorrow is Easter. I won't launch into a whole sermon here right now, but I just want to say what an important time of remembrance Easter is for me. Tomorrow we will commemorate that fateful day when The Christ rose from the dead conquering both spiritual and physical death for all of us--making the resurrection possible. A glorious day indeed, a wonderful event, a triumph for all-time. I am humbled.

I went to the bank yesterday to get some change made out of 3 $100 bills. I left the bank with a total of 50 bills, and when I got home I noticed that they were all facing different ways, and some were even upside down. Oh man I was so angry. This is a huge pet peeve of mine. Money has to face the right way people. It allows for an efficient counting effort. If your money faces the wrong way, fix it already! All your greenbacks will thank you for it, as will your friends.

I am a bit delirious currently because of the aforementioned failed sleep effort, but have a wonderful Easter holiday if you celebrate, and if you don't have an amazing weekend. My old friend, Queer Bernard (Burn-nerd) wanted to make an appearance as well in this post since it is 7 years ago that he came into my life.

Quack-y Holiday Everyone!

On a Thursday in a Leap Year

Music: Hazard-Richard Marx
Mood: Optimistically Cautious

Hello again everyone. Sorry I have not written sooner, but I was lost in the quicksand of my brain, and some R.O.U.S's came to get me. I have so many contrasting emotions, and thoughts, and possible problems and solutions swirling before me. It leaves me reeling sometimes.

Now that I have caught my breath, and dipped my toes back into the pool of this blog of my life I feel reassured in an odd way. Sort of like the feeling you get from an old blanket--it may be tattered and worn and badly in need of washing but it is your blanket. A true comforter for the ages.

Having an anxiety-based disorder naturally brings talk of anxiety to one's attention often. I had a panic attack yesterday, but luckily I did muster the strength to leave the house and had a nice, reassuring, non-threatening time. That is all I will say for now. I am not really superstitious, but it would precisely be my luck that my big mouth would ruin things for me once again.

This was not something I had really intended to advertise, but I have been toying with the idea of getting married again. It is no secret that I never want to be in a relationship again--this is true. However, I do want at least a child, if not children. It is highly unlikely that someone in my income bracket will ever be able to adopt a child as a single parent. For this reason, and others I feel I would be perfectly fine to marry someone as a friend and maintain a friendly relationship with them. I know I am not in any sort of high demand as I have very little to offer in the way of wifely charms but I do want to hold out some hope that someone, somewhere in this universe may feel the same as I do and will somehow reveal themselves to me. I suppose it doesn't hurt...too much.

I am getting older quickly. I would like to have more of a legacy to show for my life. Perhaps somewhere within me is an over-inflated sense of self importance to believe I not only should have a legacy, but that it should not be minimal. Either way, I would like to feel that the suffering and the trial by fire was possibly for some purpose and that I might be remembered after my mortal life ceases.

Jack has lost over a pound. My good boy is taking off the weight like a champ. Inspiring in everything he does that one.

Salagadoola Mechikaboola Bippity Boppity Boo put 'em together and what have you got?

Quack-ity Boppity Boo

Conference Call

Music: Candy-Iggy Pop ft. Kate Pierson
Mood: What, Me Worry?

Hey dudes and dudettes. Yesterday I finally finished up my final Case Study in my Law Class. 25 more days until this semester ends and believe you me it cannot come fast enough. Oyoyoyoy!

On a different note, this past weekend was General Conference. I normally prefer to read addresses since I am loathe to spend so many hours in front of my computer live streaming. This year I had some questions I needed answered and I wanted to give myself every opportunity to feel the spirit that I could. I caught the Saturday afternoon session, and both Sunday sessions. I will not offer a full recap here, but it definitely gave me a lot to think about. When I am ready to articulate more you, my faithful blog-readers, will be the first to know.

Sunday is Easter already. This year is going even faster than last year so far. Before I know it my birthday will be here, and I will have the sweet relief of being 32 instead of 31. Exactly 3 months from today.

I am so hungry right now but I don't feel like going downstairs and waking everyone up. In a little while I would like to have a cheese quesadilla, but I have no cheese, and no wraps. Ahh well. I love ya anyway...

Quackers and Cheese

...and boy are my arms tired!

Music: Tree on Wheels-Drew Danburry
Mood: Exhaustively Accomplished

Hello all! I have gotten so much done today so far that even though I am tired as hell it kind of feels a bit good. It is just starting to get light out so my quiet solitude will be ending soon. Jack is asleep down at the end of my bed on his blanket snoring slow and peaceful. In a lot of ways he is my hero.

This week has been especially busy with schoolwork but I have been plugging away at it steadily so I feel like I am making a decent dent in it. Next week has quite a bit of work, but not quite the same scope. I honestly cannot wait until the end of the semester. I feel like I need the whole summer off so I guess it is a good thing I am taking it, right? I will be taking a few classes through BYU Independent Study, but they are of course not formal and do not impact my degree.

I just closed my eyes and took a slow, deep breath and I think it was one of the greatest moments ever. An opportunity to recharge and oxygenate my blood. It's amazing how the human body works like that--THE wonder of the universe.

I realize that this is all very disjointed, but this blog doesn't really have a theme it is sort of "Duckie central" here so I am taking you all along for the ride--the ride of my life.

This is actually one of very few times that I am actually listening to the music listed in the post (usually it is just what is in my head at the time, or if I feel it complements the tone of the post well) and as anyone who is my friend of Facebook will know this song popped back onto my radar just last night via my iTunes and it was just so so great. As great as it is right now. Such grand memories to be had in this song! The first time I ever heard this song was live when Drew opened up for Harry and the Potters at Kilby Court in SLC.

:sigh: Kilby Court!
:sigh: SLC!
:sigh: Harry and the Potters!
:sigh: Drew Danburry!
:puke: The Grizzly Prospector!

Quacksundheit

Writing Assignment Challenge #1

Music: Peter and the Wolf
Mood: Alight

In a recent blog post, a writer friend of mine, Deb, challenged her readers to take the elements she provided, and to make our own story. Rather than recap said elements here, I will link you to it in order for you to read them in her own words.

Here is my response to the challenge. I call it "Winter in Repose"...

Thal and Pal went down the trail to see what they could find

Thal said “‘lo Pal, make haste and come lest your dinner become mine!”

On the wintry day the friends did run, all girlfriends full of glee

To warm their hands and dry their toes in a cottage by the sea

Yet when they arrived the door was ajar and wind did whip round

Their approach cautious, their limbs exhausted they never made a sound

“Who goes?” said the black bear sat with dwarf around the embers red

“My hibernation disturbed, my mind perturbed, the culprit will be dead.”

“Tis I” said Thal, “and my sidekick Pal repose we here do seek

Sass me again and the least of your worries will be my hand across your cheek!”

Black Bear then said “Brave, are you not, to speak to us like such?”

“My dear Dwarf here can eat your bones while I make your meat my crust.”

The standoff was sure to last all night as the howls and moans of the air.

But old Pal she was clever she knew they would never win a fight with that old Black Bear.

“Peace dear friends let us make merry instead of this vicious fight

For we’ve traveled all day cold and stray and we’d rather not continue through night”

Black Bear took aback looked at the Dwarf as to say “Let’s size these two lasses up”

The Dwarf returned in kind, not knowing his mind and returned to his midnight cup.

The girls sat down with the bear and the dwarf not knowing what might come

In exchange for the fire and a restful night they promised they would be done

As the night wore on these 2 sets of friends turned into friends of four

A bear, a dwarf, and 2 human girls who never knew one another before

They passed the winter together in the cottage every day a time of play

Winter turned to Spring, and Spring to Summer appeared to last a day

Lo the time came forth on a midsummer’s eve when the girls began to whine

They would like to leave, and go back to the forest outdoor held such a good time

When the dwarf got wind that the bear would allow it he protested as never before

He tied the girls, and knocked the bear and shut then locked the door

After starting a fire he leaned in close and grabbed a handful of cinder

He cursed both the girls while he killed the bear which he intended to eat in the Winter.

I hope you enjoyed it as I wrote it just now. If not, go eff yourself. Ha.

Quack-licious (said the Dwarf)

Skool Daze

Music: Gypsy-Fleetwood Mac
Mood: Distracted

Hello again! As always, I am up prior to the figurative butt-crack of Dawn. I felt I would get some much-needed schoolwork done but I am here taking a break from it all. I have some unexpected work due this week that I thought was not due until next week so I am doing a major goose step (?) to get a ton of work done in time for the prom. <----- :)~~

No doom and gloom today, I promise. I want to discuss all the many things that I am thankful for that from the outside looking in probably appear to get lost in the shuffle of it all. First and foremost, I am thankful that I have a roof over my head, and food in my belly. When one has been as close as I have to homelessness and hunger you must be thankful for every day you do not have to deal with it. I am thankful for my family and the fact that by and large we all get along pretty well even after all these years together and so many different but similar personality types. I am eternally grateful for my #1 BFF, Jack, without whom I would not be here today. I am grateful for all of my friends--I am horrible at keeping up with correspondence due to bouts of major introversion so those whom I have held on to and have held on to me will always have my love. I am grateful for my ex-husband Mike for graciously allowing me to retain his name and never giving me grief over it. While I wanted to address the sort of standard things that one is thankful for first I have not forgotten where my heart truly lies...

I am thankful for God, I am thankful for Jesus Christ, I am thankful for atonement, and The Atonement. I am thankful for the Gospel, I am thankful for free agency, I am thankful for Joseph Smith and the restoration. I am thankful for the drive to better myself in spite of insurmountable odds and I am thankful for trial by fire. I am thankful for a great deal more things/people/places/actions/etc... I wanted to address my thanks because I find myself too often dwelling on the drudgery and forgetting to make time for the good things in life of which there are so many [picture below]

Appreciation is one of the purest forms of love in my mind. Letting someone know how you feel is more important now in times of great trouble than ever. Take this time to tell the people you love what they mean to you, or better yet, show it. A macaroni picture, a telling of a favorite joke, or even a simple smile to let them know you care makes all the difference. With these thoughts I have to leave you for the day; more homework calls and I am too much of a snob to let my GPA slip just to get a few more words out haha.

This picture (as promised above) is my reminder to stop the madness sometimes and enjoy life:

I love and miss you Grandma. Thank you for this and many other wonderful lessons.

Quack-a-doodle-doo