Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Been a while, while...

Music: A Little Respect-Erasure
Mood: Contemplative

The thought process I am having right now was sparked by an episode of American Dad I saw last night parts of which were an homage to the movie What's Eating Gilbert Grape? That movie is one of the greatest movies of all time. The brotherly love that Gilbert has for Arnie, and Arnie's sweet nature are of course touching but what affects me most is the mother.

I see a lot of myself in her, and that scares me. I often think about whether or not I am passive-aggressively killing myself by continuing to actively pile on weight. Intellectually I know that it is self-destructive, but yet I continue to eat horrible things, and barely move an inch.

I often wonder why I am still alive, meaning for what purpose. I no longer feel that I am fit to be around other human beings. I relish no social interaction whatsoever, and I could spend the rest of my life cooped up in my hidey-hole if I allowed myself. I worry a lot about my future, and do not have a great deal of hope for what lies in store.

These feelings come and go, but mainly come and I have absolutely no one to talk to about it. So this is where my blog comes back in handy again....