Rhetorical Exchange Rate

Music: Sussudio-Phil Collins
Mood: Angry that Sussudio is stuck in my head

One of my favorite bloggers, and good friends dbstevens made a post yesterday about mermaids and whales.  This blog post will be given over to my comments on her post, found here

I am almost 32 years old.  I have had a major knee problem since I was 24.  Neither of these two facts separately or combined still give me enough of a reason to want to lose weight.  I am lazy, I am impatient, and I live a depressive lifestyle.

I have never "struggled with my weight" because that seems to imply that I ever really tried to lose it.  This is not the case.I have given half-hearted one or two day attempts but that is about as far as it has ever gone. 

I have been steadily fat since I was 5 years old.  One of my earlier memories was my sudden hang-ups about my appearance when my mother cut my hair when I was 4 years old.  I went from long, luxurious, wild locks to short hair and a shaved neck.  It was terrible.  I hated it, and I did not want to be seen.  I started staying in more and more.  I remember even having to be bribed (at least one time, but I believe more than that) to leave the house with the promise that I would get McDonalds if I did.  Since that time, my body has never looked back.

The only times since then that I have not steadily gained weight were when I have lost weight due to not eating.  In those first harrowing months in UT without benefit of friend or decent job I lost 70 lbs because I couldn't afford to eat on a regular basis.  I also lost weight in Las Vegas.  Both of these stints have done irreparable harm to my overall health and I gained the weight back and then-some anyway.

I don't actually eat a lot of food, and I am not an emotional eater (I was starting to become one for a while, but nixed it once I became aware of it) my two problems with food are portion control and the actual food that I eat.  The food I eat is processed crap, and I eat large chunks of it at a time.  I spend increasing amounts of time in my room which has me back down to one or at the most two meals a day again so I shovel my face until I am full (and sometimes more) and that is how I eat.  This reckless abandon, especially at my age is sure to leave me in an early grave at some point.

Still, I cannot bring myself to care.  It is an extremely rare instance that I lament my weight.  I don't have this hyper-vigilant survival instinct that others have, and I certainly don't "miss being able to do all the things that I love".  In a way, since I am fat now I am glad I always have been.  It makes me sad when people who have spent the majority of their lives thin now have to get used to being fat.  It must be very hard for them.  I don't remember--I was too young.

Qua-MUNCH MUNCH MUNCH-ck.