On the head of a pin

Music: Don't Cry Out Loud-Various
Mood: Apprehensive

I need a big old heaping helping of grace today.  From myself, from the universe, from God, from everyone.  An unwelcome event has descended upon me with all the subtlety of a ton of bricks. I am no great shakes at "dealing" so here I am fretting away, projecting, negatively reflecting, all of the things I try to avoid.

I keep running over all of the Christian Charity I have in my back pocket, and nothing feels right.  Nothing feels like it will work today.  I need something else.  Something more than "turn the other cheek" or "love thine enemy".  I need a Christlike intervention of (wait for it...) biblical proportions.  This is sink or swim, and these are the times when one finds out what they are truly made of I suppose. 

I will continue to try, and continue to run over examples of good works, and patient faith in order to get through.  This isn't like eating crow--I can admit my own wrongs readily enough--it is like eating something else.  A foul, disease-ridden stench-infested maggot pie of some sort with a roach on top for good measure.  As you can guess, I am having a hard time swallowing because all I want to do is spit it out.

I don't like to be cryptic, but I cannot be more explicit.  I can imagine all I want that this blog is private, but it is not, and discretion is the greater part of a lot of things not just valor.  Some of you may already know what I am talking about.  For those who may not you can ask me privately and I will answer. 

In desperation, I want to pull a Juliet and feign death.  I want to take to my hidey hole and emerge when it is all over.  It is or my own comfort that I feel this way, but also for my own anger.  My anger bubbles inside of me, and just under the surface at the best of times.  In the face of such provocation I don't know if I can remain calm. 

I will try.  I will attempt to be calm enough to pray for guidance.  I will try to not be a coward.

Quack-of-frustration.