Thursday, June 7, 2012

Head Wigs Part 2

Music: Origin of Love-Hedwig and the Angry Inch
Mood: Nettled

Coming to better understand myself was like solving the world's worst rubik's cube.  I struggled, and fought, and attempted to will my way in but it would not work.  I needed to breathe.

Only through reflection in calm moments was I able to make as much progress as I did.  Currently I find myself stymied on another seemingly endless and immovable plateau.  I have taken some solace in scheduling.  I have a morning and evening routine that helps keep me grounded.  It is holding on for dear life to any port in a storm.

This period of inner turmoil has taken me by surprise.  I thought I was doing relatively well for a long time.  Not good, and certainly not ideal but I thought I was passing.  I was wrong.  My ability to communicate has broken down and I often feel myself either lashing out at people (whether necessary or unnecessary) or I feel like they are lashing out at me.  I am having trouble getting my balance.

I am under a lot of pressure right now both from outside forces, as well as the pressure I put on myself.  One of my friendships seems to be falling apart for no reason that I can really discern.  Every time I try to probe my feelings on it it becomes too upsetting because I am left with the sneaking suspicion that my friendship was not nearly as valued as I had thought it was.  The shame of foolishness and vulnerability adds to the sting of the unfolding of these events.

However, like Hedwig, I must press on.  I must wrench my chin skyward even when the forces of gravity weigh so heavily I feel my very spirit is being crushed.  The monumental effort to live, let alone laugh and love saps me and leaves me exhausted.  I live to fight another day...

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