Music: Origin of Love-Hedwig and the Angry Inch
Coming to better understand myself was like solving the world's worst rubik's cube. I struggled, and fought, and attempted to will my way in but it would not work. I needed to breathe.
Only through reflection in calm moments was I able to make as much progress as I did. Currently I find myself stymied on another seemingly endless and immovable plateau. I have taken some solace in scheduling. I have a morning and evening routine that helps keep me grounded. It is holding on for dear life to any port in a storm.
This period of inner turmoil has taken me by surprise. I thought I was doing relatively well for a long time. Not good, and certainly not ideal but I thought I was passing. I was wrong. My ability to communicate has broken down and I often feel myself either lashing out at people (whether necessary or unnecessary) or I feel like they are lashing out at me. I am having trouble getting my balance.
I am under a lot of pressure right now both from outside forces, as well as the pressure I put on myself. One of my friendships seems to be falling apart for no reason that I can really discern. Every time I try to probe my feelings on it it becomes too upsetting because I am left with the sneaking suspicion that my friendship was not nearly as valued as I had thought it was. The shame of foolishness and vulnerability adds to the sting of the unfolding of these events.
However, like Hedwig, I must press on. I must wrench my chin skyward even when the forces of gravity weigh so heavily I feel my very spirit is being crushed. The monumental effort to live, let alone laugh and love saps me and leaves me exhausted. I live to fight another day...
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