Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Should I stay or should I go?

Music: Children of the Revolution-(cover by) Violent Femmes
Mood: F-I-N-E-Y

Let's be honest, I am not keeping up with this blog.  The days seem to be flying by and then all of a sudden they are away from me before I even think about it.  It is already almost my birthday again.  I could swear I just had one of those last year!  Anyway, I don't really have a lot to say, I just thought I *should* say something.

Sometimes I wish I were part of a religion that allowed for some sort of full-time commitment whether that was a Nun, a Monk, etc...  I am hopelessly human and so have a hard time casting off the shackles of an imperfect world and imperfect human nature in order to commune with God.  My attention span has almost turned to zero, and a short attention span is one of the most unhelpful things when seeking religious communion or affirmation.

I read every day.  I read and read, and read trying to find something, to feel something, to know that I am not out of reach.  That my stiff-neckedness has not overtaken me and my heart congealed to the consistency of a boulder.  The goal is to be teachable, to have a broken heart and a contrite spirit.  Instead, I am trapped.  I am not puffed up with pride, but I am the opposite; I am dragged under while the weight of self-doubt and sin swirl around me and engulf me.

What can I do?  I wouldn't really classify it as a crisis of faith, I would more say it is an ongoing crisis of self-esteem.  In my head I know I have a divine nature, in my heart it applies to everyone but me.  Ramblings, really.

It rained quite hard yesterday.  It was wonderful.  I regret not being outside when it happened.  It came and went relatively quickly.  I haven't seen a driving rain like that in quite some time.  It was comforting.  Jack disagreed, he took refuge in the closet until it died down and then sought out the comfort of my waiting lap.  He approached so cautiously that I am sure he thought that I was the one who made the rain happen.  I had gotten back in from my walk a very short while before it started.  After the heat and sweat of the walk a nice wet kiss from the earth would have been just the thing.  Still, it was beautiful to watch and I am grateful to have been afforded the opportunity to experience it and the world--even as if from a great and spacious building.

Quack-set Hut  <~~~makin' it great.


dbstevens said...

I vote for staying, but I understand the other side too.

I'm always fighting the self-esteem thing too, believe it or not. I think I just try not to think about me as often as possible so I don't get all bogged down in the bleck. You said it perfectly...divine nature applies to everyone else, not so much me.

I don't really know what to say about this, except that I really like you. I think you're funny and sweet and amazing. Smart. And I could go on, but I know that knowing others appreciate you only somewhat helps. It doesn't fix the situation. I'm sorry. I know that doesn't fix it either, but. *sigh* It is what it is.

Loved your bit about the rain. I prefer the rain too.

Blair Hodges said...

This is the best piece of writing I've seen you execute, so evidently the contemplation and reading and walking and hoping are paying off at least in terms of your abilities to express yourself. Well done, and of course you already know that I believe in you and want you to stay.

DR said...

Thanks friends! I love you guys :)