Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Should I stay or should I go?

Music: Children of the Revolution-(cover by) Violent Femmes
Mood: F-I-N-E-Y

Let's be honest, I am not keeping up with this blog.  The days seem to be flying by and then all of a sudden they are away from me before I even think about it.  It is already almost my birthday again.  I could swear I just had one of those last year!  Anyway, I don't really have a lot to say, I just thought I *should* say something.

Sometimes I wish I were part of a religion that allowed for some sort of full-time commitment whether that was a Nun, a Monk, etc...  I am hopelessly human and so have a hard time casting off the shackles of an imperfect world and imperfect human nature in order to commune with God.  My attention span has almost turned to zero, and a short attention span is one of the most unhelpful things when seeking religious communion or affirmation.

I read every day.  I read and read, and read trying to find something, to feel something, to know that I am not out of reach.  That my stiff-neckedness has not overtaken me and my heart congealed to the consistency of a boulder.  The goal is to be teachable, to have a broken heart and a contrite spirit.  Instead, I am trapped.  I am not puffed up with pride, but I am the opposite; I am dragged under while the weight of self-doubt and sin swirl around me and engulf me.

What can I do?  I wouldn't really classify it as a crisis of faith, I would more say it is an ongoing crisis of self-esteem.  In my head I know I have a divine nature, in my heart it applies to everyone but me.  Ramblings, really.

It rained quite hard yesterday.  It was wonderful.  I regret not being outside when it happened.  It came and went relatively quickly.  I haven't seen a driving rain like that in quite some time.  It was comforting.  Jack disagreed, he took refuge in the closet until it died down and then sought out the comfort of my waiting lap.  He approached so cautiously that I am sure he thought that I was the one who made the rain happen.  I had gotten back in from my walk a very short while before it started.  After the heat and sweat of the walk a nice wet kiss from the earth would have been just the thing.  Still, it was beautiful to watch and I am grateful to have been afforded the opportunity to experience it and the world--even as if from a great and spacious building.

Quack-set Hut  <~~~makin' it great.

Friday, June 15, 2012


Music: (Stupid) Party Rock Anthem:LMFAO (or whatever the hell)
Mood: Scatter-Scatter-brained

Believe it or not, I have been busy.  I have been trying to have as little downtime as possible lately.  That is not to say that I am constantly moving or something, but I have been doing more reading, and I have also undertaken the daunting task of finally trying to get all my genealogy notes in order.  Plus, I am still doing Independent Study classes, and working on my health as well.

Phew!  Lots of work.  I have slacked a lot on my writing though.  That makes me sad.  I don't really know what I was expecting to come of Ben's story, but once I really started writing it I started to develop high hopes that it would turn out to have been a great project for me.  I still think it is a good project, but I am sort of lost as to how to get where I want to go.  I have a vague idea of where I eventually want to wind up though.

As I was writing that last paragraph I completely realized it is a metaphor for my life.  I have a vague idea of where I want to end up, but almost no idea how to get there.  In between time is-a-wasting though.  I am trying to keep my head on straight though.

Stretching, breathing, thinking of ways to improve and attempting to implement them.  This is how I am spending my time pretty much.  I have "let myself go" for so long that it is possible I may be trying to tackle too much self-improvement at one time, and if I start to feel overwhelmed I will scale it back, but for now I plan on plugging away and trying to improve what I can, and let go of the rest.

If a duck didn't know how to spell, he would probably say


P.S.-Doesn't this book look so awesome? 

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Head Wigs Part 2

Music: Origin of Love-Hedwig and the Angry Inch
Mood: Nettled

Coming to better understand myself was like solving the world's worst rubik's cube.  I struggled, and fought, and attempted to will my way in but it would not work.  I needed to breathe.

Only through reflection in calm moments was I able to make as much progress as I did.  Currently I find myself stymied on another seemingly endless and immovable plateau.  I have taken some solace in scheduling.  I have a morning and evening routine that helps keep me grounded.  It is holding on for dear life to any port in a storm.

This period of inner turmoil has taken me by surprise.  I thought I was doing relatively well for a long time.  Not good, and certainly not ideal but I thought I was passing.  I was wrong.  My ability to communicate has broken down and I often feel myself either lashing out at people (whether necessary or unnecessary) or I feel like they are lashing out at me.  I am having trouble getting my balance.

I am under a lot of pressure right now both from outside forces, as well as the pressure I put on myself.  One of my friendships seems to be falling apart for no reason that I can really discern.  Every time I try to probe my feelings on it it becomes too upsetting because I am left with the sneaking suspicion that my friendship was not nearly as valued as I had thought it was.  The shame of foolishness and vulnerability adds to the sting of the unfolding of these events.

However, like Hedwig, I must press on.  I must wrench my chin skyward even when the forces of gravity weigh so heavily I feel my very spirit is being crushed.  The monumental effort to live, let alone laugh and love saps me and leaves me exhausted.  I live to fight another day...

Quack-in sie Deutsch?

Sunday, June 3, 2012

2 yoots

Music: LDS Children's Songbook (yes, the whole thing)
Mood: Fuzzled

I am taking a quick break from the Head Wigs series to answer some questions posed by Deb-a-leb-a-ding-dong over at her blog Kicking Corners.  Here are my answers to some of the questions followed by 11 things that I love.  It is a good exercise in gratitude.

1. Why did you start a blog? So I had someone to talk to.

2. What have you learned about yourself from blogging? I don’t know that I have learned anything about myself, but it is definitely interesting to see my feelings at different times cemented to be perused at a later date.  I am hoping that it will help with perspective.

3. How do you blog and still get things done around your house? I don’t blog enough or have enough to do around the house that the two will ever come into conflict.

4. Why is blogging better than Facebook? Because while I cannot say what I am thinking 100% on my blog, I certainly can’t even come close on Facebook.

5. What is the last book you read? Hope Rising by Kim Meeder

6. What is the last live performance you saw? The Decemberists

7. What is your favorite children's book? Since Harry Potter for some reason is still classified as a children’s book I will say the entire series.  As far as *true* children’s books go I will say Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No good, Very bad day.

8. What is your favorite typeface? Your mother.

9. Would you ever put your cat on a leash? Yes, but not to take him for a walk, more as extra insurance against running away for vet visits or traveling.

10. Who would play you in the movie version of your life? 
I honestly don’t know.  I don’t even want to be me, so I can’t imagine wishing it on someone else.

11. Love the tourists or can't wait for them to leave? They don’t really bother me.  They’re people like any others.

1. Soy milk or regular milk? I’ve never had soy milk, so regular.

2. Favorite sport to watch? Why? In person, basketball; on television either tennis or baseball.

3. Sitcoms or reality television? I guess sitcoms, but by and large I am uninterested.

4. Laptop or tablet? Why? Laptop.  My fingers are too fat to be effective with a tablet.

5. Which person has influenced your life the most? I really don’t know.  I have known so many wonderful people in my life that it would really be remiss to pick only one.  Some are higher up as far as influence than others but I am grateful for the patience and love of many people.

6. Which would you most hate to be without, television, computer, or cell phone? Probably cell phone.  I am afraid of getting lost, so if I can always call and get directions it makes me feel better

7. Which would you hate to be without, your hair or a body shape you liked? My hair.

8. Where would you rather live, high-rise or suburbs? Why? Neither.  I prefer cities, but a high-rise is out for me.  I am a-feared of heights.

1. I love written correspondence.  I will save it for years and years.
2. I love my birthday.  I was born on my great-grandmother's 86th birthday so it will forever be a link between us.
3. I love ice cream cake and the little black crunchies that come with it.
4. I love peaceful moments of reflection and the satisfaction they provide.
5. I love black and white photographs.
6. I love to sing, especially when my voice is behaving and I sound good.
7. I love when I can help others by imparting any knowledge I possess.
8. I love Jack's "I'm hungry, get up and feed me." meow.
9. I love to discover the meaning behind names.
10. I love to learn about subjects that interest me.
11. I love walking in a heavy downpour.

That's all for now, I will return with the 2nd installment of Head Wigs soon.  I am still thinking it through.

Release the Quack-en!