Monday, July 30, 2012

In the valley of the blind...

Music: None
Mood: None

Hmm it seems I was wrong, I guess I wasn't going to burst into daily writing when I got back.  In fact, I am putting forth a huge effort to even have myself write today.  My life is relatively dull, but it is mine.  I live it day to day trying my best to be my best.  Sometimes I slip and fall, sometimes I crash and burn, and sometimes I wake up a millimeter ahead of where I was the day before.

All of this is not necessarily something that lends itself to being read by outsiders who have no real knowledge about my internal workings.  The minute by minute struggles that I keep to myself, and the triumphs and setbacks that can only be understood by the person who experienced them.

I don't like the notion of "giving up" my blog, but I would also hate for people to check it expecting something and I have gone a long time without an update.  I am on a journey right now.  A journey which (at least by my incapable hands) cannot be documented.  At first I felt there was wisdom in a blog, but now I feel that it does more harm than good for me to cement in writing what are sometimes fleeting feelings and emotions.  You will have to trust me that it has come back to bite me on the ass on occasion.

I may update here and there sporadically, but I cannot make any promises.  Possibly the best bet if you are interested is to subscribe to my blog and then receive an e-mail when I update. 

That's all for now, and I am sorry that I was not able to fulfill the hopes I had for this blog on my return.  Perhaps a blog is just not the format for me after all.  I have thick walls surrounding me for a reason.

Release The Quackin'

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Addio trentuno!

Music: Diane-Guster
Mood: Ssssssss

Hello again all.  Today, as many of you know is the last day in my entire life that I will be 31.  I cannot say that I will miss it, and honestly I have much higher hopes for 32.  Even though this past year has been peppered with many instances of my making changes for personal improvement on a whole I still found 31 to be disappointing.  32, you better shine for me.

I am going away on vacation tomorrow.  I am not sure how long I will be gone for, but I am crossing my fingers for 3 weeks.  While I am gone I will not be updating, it's true, however I plan on updating voraciously when I get back.  Since I want this blog to sort-of function as a journal I need to improve my journaling and really try and write everyday if I can.

I really love my birthday (hate the weather though) so it is a good opportunity to do some real nitty gritty soul searching evaluations.  Where am I when I turn 32 in relation to where I was last year?  Two years ago?  Five years ago?  Ten?  It is okay to have pitfalls every once in a while, but if I am stagnant, if I am not progressing as a person than I am doing nothing.  While certain aspects of my life and personality cannot be compared these many years later I can at least gauge it by how I feel about myself.

For instance, ten years ago I was still within the bonds of marriage (and living together).  I loved my ex-husband very much, and I still do, but I was stagnant.  I was doing nothing to improve my own life, or our lives as a married couple.  I was simply floating wherever the currents of anger, frustration, disappointment, etc... took me.  I was not living my life, my life was living me.

Right now again I am sort of trapped where I am (geographically, and somewhat emotionally) but I plug away at "the little things" every day that when piled together will serve to gain me a net win.  A net win, me??!?!?  Mister, I like the way you think!

Quack you when I get back.