Friday, March 30, 2012

...and boy are my arms tired!

Music: Tree on Wheels-Drew Danburry
Mood: Exhaustively Accomplished

Hello all! I have gotten so much done today so far that even though I am tired as hell it kind of feels a bit good. It is just starting to get light out so my quiet solitude will be ending soon. Jack is asleep down at the end of my bed on his blanket snoring slow and peaceful. In a lot of ways he is my hero.

This week has been especially busy with schoolwork but I have been plugging away at it steadily so I feel like I am making a decent dent in it. Next week has quite a bit of work, but not quite the same scope. I honestly cannot wait until the end of the semester. I feel like I need the whole summer off so I guess it is a good thing I am taking it, right? I will be taking a few classes through BYU Independent Study, but they are of course not formal and do not impact my degree.

I just closed my eyes and took a slow, deep breath and I think it was one of the greatest moments ever. An opportunity to recharge and oxygenate my blood. It's amazing how the human body works like that--THE wonder of the universe.

I realize that this is all very disjointed, but this blog doesn't really have a theme it is sort of "Duckie central" here so I am taking you all along for the ride--the ride of my life.

This is actually one of very few times that I am actually listening to the music listed in the post (usually it is just what is in my head at the time, or if I feel it complements the tone of the post well) and as anyone who is my friend of Facebook will know this song popped back onto my radar just last night via my iTunes and it was just so so great. As great as it is right now. Such grand memories to be had in this song! The first time I ever heard this song was live when Drew opened up for Harry and the Potters at Kilby Court in SLC.

:sigh: Kilby Court!
:sigh: SLC!
:sigh: Harry and the Potters!
:sigh: Drew Danburry!
:puke: The Grizzly Prospector!


Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Writing Assignment Challenge #1

Music: Peter and the Wolf
Mood: Alight

In a recent blog post, a writer friend of mine, Deb, challenged her readers to take the elements she provided, and to make our own story. Rather than recap said elements here, I will link you to it in order for you to read them in her own words.

Here is my response to the challenge. I call it "Winter in Repose"...

Thal and Pal went down the trail to see what they could find

Thal said “‘lo Pal, make haste and come lest your dinner become mine!”

On the wintry day the friends did run, all girlfriends full of glee

To warm their hands and dry their toes in a cottage by the sea

Yet when they arrived the door was ajar and wind did whip round

Their approach cautious, their limbs exhausted they never made a sound

“Who goes?” said the black bear sat with dwarf around the embers red

“My hibernation disturbed, my mind perturbed, the culprit will be dead.”

“Tis I” said Thal, “and my sidekick Pal repose we here do seek

Sass me again and the least of your worries will be my hand across your cheek!”

Black Bear then said “Brave, are you not, to speak to us like such?”

“My dear Dwarf here can eat your bones while I make your meat my crust.”

The standoff was sure to last all night as the howls and moans of the air.

But old Pal she was clever she knew they would never win a fight with that old Black Bear.

“Peace dear friends let us make merry instead of this vicious fight

For we’ve traveled all day cold and stray and we’d rather not continue through night”

Black Bear took aback looked at the Dwarf as to say “Let’s size these two lasses up”

The Dwarf returned in kind, not knowing his mind and returned to his midnight cup.

The girls sat down with the bear and the dwarf not knowing what might come

In exchange for the fire and a restful night they promised they would be done

As the night wore on these 2 sets of friends turned into friends of four

A bear, a dwarf, and 2 human girls who never knew one another before

They passed the winter together in the cottage every day a time of play

Winter turned to Spring, and Spring to Summer appeared to last a day

Lo the time came forth on a midsummer’s eve when the girls began to whine

They would like to leave, and go back to the forest outdoor held such a good time

When the dwarf got wind that the bear would allow it he protested as never before

He tied the girls, and knocked the bear and shut then locked the door

After starting a fire he leaned in close and grabbed a handful of cinder

He cursed both the girls while he killed the bear which he intended to eat in the Winter.

I hope you enjoyed it as I wrote it just now. If not, go eff yourself. Ha.

Quack-licious (said the Dwarf)

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Skool Daze

Music: Gypsy-Fleetwood Mac
Mood: Distracted

Hello again! As always, I am up prior to the figurative butt-crack of Dawn. I felt I would get some much-needed schoolwork done but I am here taking a break from it all. I have some unexpected work due this week that I thought was not due until next week so I am doing a major goose step (?) to get a ton of work done in time for the prom. <----- :)~~

No doom and gloom today, I promise. I want to discuss all the many things that I am thankful for that from the outside looking in probably appear to get lost in the shuffle of it all. First and foremost, I am thankful that I have a roof over my head, and food in my belly. When one has been as close as I have to homelessness and hunger you must be thankful for every day you do not have to deal with it. I am thankful for my family and the fact that by and large we all get along pretty well even after all these years together and so many different but similar personality types. I am eternally grateful for my #1 BFF, Jack, without whom I would not be here today. I am grateful for all of my friends--I am horrible at keeping up with correspondence due to bouts of major introversion so those whom I have held on to and have held on to me will always have my love. I am grateful for my ex-husband Mike for graciously allowing me to retain his name and never giving me grief over it. While I wanted to address the sort of standard things that one is thankful for first I have not forgotten where my heart truly lies...

I am thankful for God, I am thankful for Jesus Christ, I am thankful for atonement, and The Atonement. I am thankful for the Gospel, I am thankful for free agency, I am thankful for Joseph Smith and the restoration. I am thankful for the drive to better myself in spite of insurmountable odds and I am thankful for trial by fire. I am thankful for a great deal more things/people/places/actions/etc... I wanted to address my thanks because I find myself too often dwelling on the drudgery and forgetting to make time for the good things in life of which there are so many [picture below]

Appreciation is one of the purest forms of love in my mind. Letting someone know how you feel is more important now in times of great trouble than ever. Take this time to tell the people you love what they mean to you, or better yet, show it. A macaroni picture, a telling of a favorite joke, or even a simple smile to let them know you care makes all the difference. With these thoughts I have to leave you for the day; more homework calls and I am too much of a snob to let my GPA slip just to get a few more words out haha.

This picture (as promised above) is my reminder to stop the madness sometimes and enjoy life:

I love and miss you Grandma. Thank you for this and many other wonderful lessons.


Sunday, March 25, 2012

Sunday Morning Silos

Music: Through Poland to a Jewish Village
Mood: Stability-Light

I have been doing a great deal of internal searching this past week or so. I needed to find my community, a place where I could exist without preconceived notions, just a place to be me. I am not going to say "Oh, Lordy, Lordy my place has come!" or anything like that, but I am cautiously optimistic about a new blog-site I have been frequenting. It is a place for seeking deep theology, intellectual discussions, points-counterpoints, and general snarkiness; it was made for me.

Unfortunately many churches nowadays are more concerned with putting forth a culture rather than talking about doctrine. This is frustrating in the extreme. I actually need the opposite, I need the theology and to leave the culture at home. No man is an island is a concept I have struggled with my whole adulthood. If I could live on a deserted (air conditioned) island with all my needs I would essentially be set for life. This is impossible though. People need people. We are social creatures for a reason even though some are more so than others. It is not that I am anti-social even, I just generally prefer to be alone with my thoughts.

My brain gives me little rest time. There is always a typhoon swirling around in there and it can be very hard to shut off. It takes me a long time to process the feelings surrounding situations so my brain is constantly grinding. I am unhappy to not be in therapy, but there are no viable options here. I learned that the hard way. I need someone besides myself to tell me I matter.

They say you are never alone if you have God, and I agree with that to an extent, but God gave us family, community, the wide world full of 7 billion+ people. If we can reach out and touch each others lives even if it is through a computer we can help each other to keep on moving toward an eternal goal.

I Quack therefore I am.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

False Instrumentation

Music: Close To Me (Alternate Version)-The Cure
Mood: Groggy Froggy

I am sitting here listening to music at my desk while I type away and it has come to my attention that no matter what instrument is *actually* being played I always either play air-fiddle or air-piano.

I am well-aware that it is not the instrument being played (unless it is) but for some reason, here at my desk, those two instruments are my comfort zone. Yes, believe it or not this is a post about comfort zones. Sans therapy (talk or drug) I must rely solely on my will-power to keep my weapons-grade crazy in check. Due to this heavy reliance I have almost completely withdrawn into myself barely leaving my room, let alone the house. I wouldn't say that I have agoraphobia because I am not afraid to go outside necessarily--there is just something that keeps me from wanting to do it and something that keeps me from achieving it unless I put forth a tremendous effort.

The majority of times I am so worn down that I simply cannot put forth the effort and so I stay inside and by myself. This behavior has had an unexpected negative effect on Jack. He almost won't let me out of his sight now until he is crying for me to come back. He wants to be near me all the time because he is either so used to it now, or his feline intuition has kicked in and told him I am not well. That I am hanging by a precarious thread--a wire, as it were. I try to keep it to myself as much as possible and hide it because it is my problem, not anyone else's.

So instead, I sit here at my desk, listening to music, and playing the air-fiddle and wait for a new day to come...

Quack-ilee, Quack-ila.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Where the barkers call the moon down...

Music: Here I Dreamt I Was An Architect-The Decemberists
Mood: XYZ123

Yo! You'll notice that my "mood" is a made-up one. That is because I honestly could not tell you how I am feeling right now. There are so many things on my brain lately that a lot of times it is hard to keep track. I have essentially perfected the art of being me, but the turmoil sometimes prevents me from digging as deep below my own surface as I would like.

Anyway, why am I back you ask? Well, a friend of mine made a blog-post where she did a sort of "7 things you didn't know about me" deal. I had initially intended that to be a good way to return to my blog--it would give me something to write about. I got about 3.5 hours sleep last night, and I have spent a fair portion of it fretting over such a post. I have found that as much as I may want to do it I simply cannot. I have spent the past decade+ of my life building up protective walls around myself. No vulnerability=no (or less anyway) hurt. Mr. Gorbachev, it is simply not time to tear down this may very well never be.

Since I am woefully incompetent at providing the goods which were the entire impetus for this post, I will give one thing to my millions and millions of fans out there. A sort of "1 thing you may or may not know about me."

1. I am afraid, and unafraid of everything.

Perhaps that will be enough to satiate your need for information, and vague enough for me to protect my proverbial cocoon at the same time. Ever-a-y-body Happy! Until next time, I will take my leave with an oldie but goodie...