Head Wigs Part 1

Music: Origin of Love-Hedwig and the Angry Inch
Mood: Ponderous

Whenever my fight or flight is triggered (which it is always fight) the inevitable crash when things calm down but are not resolved is always the same feeling as I have now.  It is fairly indescribable but it leaves me re-hashing almost every event of my life that I can remember in an attempt to see where I might have been wrong and pondering the choices and consequences that led me there.

I get stuck in these moments.  Simultaneously my greatest strength and my greatest weakness is that I am a thinker.  Hashing things out helps me process them and deal with them, but it also leads me down quite a lot of harmful rabbit holes.  Like Alice, I find myself in the Wonderland of my brain with nary an escape route that will not result in some harm or another.  I cannot achieve true repentance for my wrongs because I seem to be physically, mentally, and emotionally unable to forgive myself.  Without that self-forgiveness one can never let go.  Which is why I get stuck.

One might think that since I can articulate the problem why can't I solve it?  This is a direct result of the curse of the thinker.  Everything I have seen and heard and experienced in my life has contributed to who I am today.  Not as if I am this wonderful person, but it could definitely be worse.  I am not blind and deaf to the blessings I have experienced in my life and the grace by which they have come.  I deserve no goodness yet I am almost 32 years old, there is a roof over my head, there is food in my belly, Jack is whole and healthy, and my family and friends can pretty much still stand the sight of me.  These are the very mark of miracles and wonders for me.  I have it better than a great deal of people, so why can't I be happy?

My life has been hard on me, and after this long day's journey I just want to take a rest but I cannot.  My brain is always going firing away from one subject to another inspiring within me such a barrage of feelings that I can hardly keep up.  Until I came to better understand myself it was an unending nightmare.

I will save more for another time.

Quack.